An Extraordinary Experience

I've spent the last 11 years deeply involved in personal development – therapies, workshops, books; and teaching and coaching others is my work and business. The thing I’ve realised over time is that my biggest personal challenge is to take action in my life. Instead, I frequently find myself waiting for something to happen, distracting myself with unimportant things, or reading books or articles about really useful techniques that will help me to get on and do something. As a child I had very little awareness of my natural father and although I had (and still do) a step-father (who I call Dad), there was still something missing for me as a boy. I've never really been able to feel like a man and I'm having to make up being a father to my own children as I go along, because I didn't want to recreate my own childhood (very harsh) for my children. To me that feels like a lot of pressure and there are times when I really haven't felt up to it.

I've always been someone who holds back, particularly as a child, preferring my own company to that of other people. I have found it really difficult to connect with other people, particularly men. I found that it was much easier to talk to women and I have a wonderful wife who I've been able to hide behind for many years! I've done lots of work on this in the last few years and although I find it much easier now, there are still times when I hold back and don't participate, which is really frustrating for me.

This all came to a head in August when I realised that it was time to change, otherwise I'd end up living a very unfulfilled life. My daughter attends a Steiner School in Ringwood and I consider myself really fortunate to know a few of the Dads at the school who have already attended the Mankind Project New Warrior Training Adventure weekend and I'd also seen some amazing changes in a couple of them who attended earlier this year. It was a no-brainer for me, as I wanted these changes for myself.

As it's my normal habit to put things off for as long as I can, I made the call and booked myself in before I had time even to consider the thought “I'll do it next time”. It was the best decision I have ever made. The thing that really sealed it for me is how open, honest and welcoming these men are.

I could feel in myself a resistance to making a connection with them, even though I really wanted to. I could get so far, but then my old habits of holding back kicked in and I always felt like an outsider.

My wife thought it was very strange that I'd want to do the NWTA, but she's incredibly supportive and was able to trust that I knew what I was doing. To be honest, knowing nothing about it other than seeing it had worked for my friends, I really didn't know what I was doing or letting myself in for! What I did have, though, was the feeling that something big was going to happen in my life and that this would be a really positive experience for me.

I knew that it was likely to challenge and frighten me, so I wasn't going to take it lightly. I found the 4 week wait for the weekend quite frustrating, but actually it's really good for me to sit with the not knowing – I know from my work that it's much easier to make changes when you're uncomfortable than when you're comfortable!

Finally, the weekend was upon me and I travelled up to the MKP venue, the Comb, with four other men, which really helped to relax me. It also served to heighten my anticipation and discomfort about the unknown that was to come. The trip up there was a really powerful experience for me in itself. On arrival at the Comb I knew I had a choice to make: to either just see what happened, or to make a commitment to myself to get the most out of it that I possibly could. I'm happy to say I chose to really go for it.

My overall impression of the MKP weekend is one of immense personal challenge, but in an environment of care, attention and nurture to a level that I have never seen or experienced in my life. I felt accepted, appreciated and loved to a degree that completely took me by surprise and for the first time in my life, I felt like a man.

People have asked me loads of questions since I've been back, ranging from, “What was it like?” to “What did you do?” to “You seem in a really good space, what's happened?” My answer to each of them is that I've met a part of myself that I never knew existed – I'm in touch with something that really helps me and serves me when I need it. At times, it was really hard, but overall, a healthy mixture of frustration and joy! Plus, to top it all off, I met a bunch of other men who have similar feelings, frustrations and challenges as I do.

It's wonderful to realise that even the men who I really look up to and see as “Real Men” have their own challenges and issues around their identity as a man. My deepest truth is that I now know I have the power to chose whether or not I hold myself back. It's definitely a work in progress, but to have a deep awareness of this feels to me like freedom.

I still hold back at times and go through the usual kicking myself afterwards, but I'm able to accept that I'm still learning and that keeps me moving forwards.

The celebration evening is an opportunity to be presented to your tribe as a Man, something that I really enjoyed and I feel is missing from our culture now that we don't have initiations in our lives. I needed to be recognised and accepted as a man, in order to feel like one. I'm already reaping the rewards in my work – I'm finding that:

• I'm much more focused and able to help people in their lives
• I've stopped wasting time doing things that don't help my business or my family
• My clients are having a much deeper connection with me and getting better results
• And although I've always loved the work I do, I'm finding much more joy and happiness from it, which is making the distractions much easier to ignore.

I was never expecting a magic wand that would cure all my issues, but I've come home with a big stick to hit them with, which is good enough for me! I'm really proud of myself for having done it! The Adventure has the potential to be an extraordinary experience, and it certainly was for me.

Dan N

Liking Myself A Whole Lot More

I can still remember travelling down to Embercombe to do my NWTA Adventure as if it was yesterday, when in fact it was September of 2010. Approximately 18 months before I set off, I was approached by a friend of mine, John McLaughlin. In a very easy way, he said that he does some stuff that he thought would be good for me. It was as simple as that, no hard sell, not even an explanation. I asked what it was and he just said that he thought I would get something from it. I then said "maybe" or words to that effect, and carried on with my life. What he didn't know was that small conversation stayed with me until it was mentioned again, about a year later. I then said "how many do you do a year?" He told me and I replied that I would "do one before the end of that year". Leading up to September John called me up and said that there was one approaching, he told me the price and I paid over the phone. Job done. I knew nothing of what I had signed up to.... men’s work?.....no idea!

However what was really strange was that when I put the phone down I burst into tears, to this day I still do not know why. But I remember feeling a massive relief, but I didn't know what it was, just an overwhelming feeling, and it lasted for ages.

Still not reading up, or taking in what this weekend was about, all I knew was to bring some food and some winter clothes. When I was driving down I was in such a rage, swearing and cursing to myself, calling my partner and doing the same thing to her. I was driving to a place in the middle of nowhere, I knew no-one, because I had asked John to stay away for my weekend. I understand that he was a man who staffed every weekend, and finding he’d be there made me feel uneasy. About halfway into my journey I got a text from John - "trust the process" was all it said. It kept going around in my head, over and over again......what was it supposed to mean? But it was those three words that got me through the doors, and through the first evening.

On arrival I was so agitated, so angry. I was fuming, but that was more about what was happening inside me. I was greeted by one man who directed me to another, the first question/words that came out of my mouth were "when can I leave?" I was getting angrier and angrier, yet all the time I kept repeating those three words from John "trust the process". I put every bit of trust in that man and my partner, who’d kept encouraging me to do the weekend. I had never before heard the lines, “rites of passage”, “work on myself”. Never spoken to anyone about this stuff.

From the Friday night to the Sunday afternoon it was a rollercoaster of emotions for me, for the first time in my life I was honest with myself. I started to see who I was, maybe who I was meant to be. I could sit in the company of other men and not feel intimidated, not have to roll out wisecracks for the hope of fitting in, to be accepted. I think I started to think that it may be OK to be me...as I am........I shed many tears, tears that I maybe should have shed many years ago. I allowed my emotions to go on show, if that was what they wanted to do. At times it felt as though I had been walking around with a rucksack full of bricks, all of my life, without realising it. Then brick by brick as the weekend went on, they slowly started to leave, and the load was getting lighter and lighter.

On the Sunday when we said our final goodbye, the tears were streaming down my face, I had a heavy heart. Yet when I walked out of the gates I felt as though I could have climbedMount Everest, just for the fun of it.

The weekend is no walk in the park, there's no making daisy chains, yet I remember thinking that I would happily pay double for that all over again. I remember calling John on my way home and thanking him with all of my heart, I remember telling him that I would forever be in his debt for the gift that he had given me. One year on and I have embraced as much as I could and I’ve staffed in Embercombe, inIrelandand in the Comb.

I have done an intensive PIT [the follow up course to the NWTA] and staffed one as well. I am also in an iGroup [an ongoing men's group]. I have met, and continue to meet, some great men whose company and character I just love. As for my life? I now get to see things in all of my honesty. What I mean by that is, gone are the days when I would see something, or find myself in a situation thinking "what should I say, so that I fit in. How should I act?" I look for my truth, and hopefully I find it. I try to be the best that I can be....before, I didn't think that I deserved to be the best. When I find myself in a situation faced with something that makes me uncomfortable, I don't react straight away, I don't make a judgement. I try to see if something is happening for me, I look to see if I am looking in a mirror.

Today I can look at something, or hear something and if I think "man that’s beautiful" then I will say it. I want that man/woman to know what is going on for me, and if it's something good, then it's no good sitting in my heart, in my head. That way no-one knows....what a waste.....Today I like who I am, this time a year ago I could never have said that. And this time next year I hope to like myself a whole lot more...........Aho!

Martin C

The Journey To The Comb, June 2011

My friend at work mentioned the Mankind Project during a lunch conversation about two months before the weekend, and though we spoke very briefly, the NWTA somehow caught my mind very quickly. I can’t say for sure whether my curiosity, or the concepts of MKP, or the title of the program "New Warrior Training Adventure", got my attention – but I made up my mind immediately to participate! However, as the weekend was closing and when I needed to make my commitments, I was thinking over a lot; my wife was pregnant and needed a lot of my time; I had spent a lot of money on medical procedures recently: there were many criticisms on the internet about NWTA and the unconventional approaches…and so on. All these reasons looked logical and very valid for not attending the weekend… however, deep down in my heart I felt I must attend it.

At the Comb

On day one, when everyone had a turn to say what they wanted to achieve by the end of the weekend, I didn’t have anything in particular to say. I tried reason out why I was there, came up with many reasons, but none looked like why I really was there. At some point I stopped thinking and said to myself that I just wanted to have this experience.

I must say day one wasn’t the most convincing one; it could be that a lot of sudden changes in my regular environment meant that my mind and body were too cautious about everything. I kept thinking logically and tended to be apprehensive about the program. And I wanted to complain lot about a lot of things, the mystifying registration procedures, accommodation, toilet facilities, water, lighting, mosquitoes, and the unusual environment for a training…. but on day two none of those concerns looked important and I started to enjoy the excitement and brightness of the experience.

One of the most valuable things about the weekend was that I was able to get to know about 40 other men in an utterly honest environment, their values, mission, issues, regrets etc. I often learn lessons by making mistakes; however the weekend environment was such that men can learn their lessons without making mistakes. It was invaluable. Most of the men I met ultimately wanted to create a better world and determined to go about making it happen. This experience was remarkable; it took all of us back to our childhood and enabled us to rebuild our character through what is important to us today.

The MKP seniors were invaluable in making this experience real, their true desire to help someone was remarkable. My experience was thoroughly enlightening, I returned with an ultimate sense of being unblocked. I have been sharing myself with my friends and family ever since my weekend!

Karthicraja G

The Adventure at The Comb, Northumberland June 2011

Hungry for initiation I have felt a deep, ferocious hunger for that elusive sense of maturity for years now - never having been able to shake the unpleasant feeling that I am still but a boy in the body of a man. And I knew I needed help to get past a masochistic, pervasive undercurrent in life which always made every action feel not quite right, not exactly authentic. In many ways, my life was great - and improving. Yet, my suffering was undeniable. And so I was ready. In the evening of June 4 2011, at The Comb in Northumberland, I finally embarked on my life's first Hero's journey.

It was an intense experience; over in a flash. Yet contained within those brief moments was a journey through grief into rebirth. That is more than literary symbolism - I was reborn, surrounded by initiated men, losing my masochistic beliefs on the way. It was a surreal, yet deeply impacting experience - and one I had not prepared for. All the visions of a hero's journey that I’ve entertained myself with, looked very different to mine.

As the facilitators circled us on the last day - bidding us farewell in silence - I felt my heart so strongly. Rare are the moments in life when I have felt so alive. Tears flowed down my face. I stood there an initiated man - having been through a ritual for which my entire soul had hungered for years. The look on the faces of these men - each featuring a unique mixture of love and acceptance - confirmed that I had indeed received what I longed for. Some missing part of me was starting to pour back in. I was happy.

Journey to The Comb

I run a webpage called Masculinity Movies. It emerged out of my own search for maturity and manhood and running it has brought me much learning and satisfaction. As my exploration of movies, spirituality and psychology deepened, the book King, Warrior, Magician, Lover - Archetypes of the Mature Masculine showed up on my radar. The authors are Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette, men of some familiarity to you, I suspect.

As my understanding of these archetypes grew, I started applying them to my movie reviews - with outstanding results. People loved what they read - and I learned so much.

The Mankind Project was mentioned with increasing frequency and eventually my reviews became featured content on both the Mankind Project's Facebook page and their journal on www.mankindprojectjournal.org It was clear that I had found an organization full of men who shared my thoughts and passions, and I felt excited by the growing possibility of global brotherhood.

I connected with MKP men such as KDC, BH and MG and my participation in the weekend was inevitable. Speaking with BH on Skype one day pretty much cemented it. There was nothing more to think about - I took a leap of faith and I don't regret it.

I was afraid when I knocked on the door and entered the darkness behind it, but boy am I happy that I did!

Back to Normal?

I returned home with a slight concern that the experience would just be a workshop high, my freedom slowly dwindling with every passing day after returning home. But I do feel different. Something has remained. In fact, some hard-to-describe feeling of being a man and not a boy has strengthened and I feel more confident overall. Most importantly, I feel freer to express myself. In fact, my voice has changed. It has opened and become deeper. Several people have commented on it.

I want to write briefly about my shadow, identified on my weekend as I create a more alienated world by being judgmental about others. The number one inner conflict in my life is my desire to connect, combined with the fear of rejection. My need to connect is tremendous. I love going to deep and rich places with people. Yet for many years, my spiritual practice was a solitary affair which served to strengthen this shadow.

Before I move to criticize it, I want to honor my many years of sitting meditation practice and my deep inroads into worlds such as Buddhism, integral theory and tantra. They served me well for many years. Yet, I remained divorced from life itself. So in my feelings of unfulfillment, I learned that I could protect myself from the fear of rejection by condemning people who I might otherwise wish to connect with as unworthy, less spiritual. Absolutely wonderful. Served me well. And I'm so fucking done with it.

The new openness that is unfolding in my life allows me to go deeper with others. The key for me is the ability to share impact combined with a deeper realization of my ability to be self-sufficient in the love department. Now, when someone impacts me in a way I like or don't like, I can simply share my experience of it. It's not a defense, and yet it's the best defense of all. Shared humanity. What a concept!

My relationships have deepened considerably this year, yet the experience of intimacy in the interpersonal spaces of my life has dropped to an even deeper and richer level since the weekend at The Comb. I feel nourished.

The path ahead

In two weeks’ time, I go to Edinburgh for my PIT. I feel inspired to facilitate at a training adventure not too long from now. To experience it from the other angle. To give it. My mission statement involves curiosity and blessing and so, the path is lit.

I have gathered four MKP men and three other good men who live in the Oslo area and our first real gathering is planned for August. I am moving in three weeks, to the first flat I could ever call truly mine, and will be happy to host them there. This is deeply significant for me, contributing to a general feeling of increased groundedness and embodiment. I feel pleased with myself. My heart opens when I write that.

I'm also feeling big openings in my quest for my true mission in the world. So many good things are happening. I feel stronger and more peaceful and I'm even sensing that a woman is going to come into my life again soon. I realize that I have held the belief that if I get to be with a woman, I somehow automatically get the better end of the deal. And having seen it, I realize how bullshit it is. I can now own how lucky the woman who gets to have me will be. We will both be lucky, gifts to each other.

Would these things have happened if I didn't do my NWTA? Hard to say. I think it probably would have eventually considering the intensity of my yearning for ever-increasing maturity and insight. But it's not important. It is what it is and I'm happy with the way I arrived here. I have worn my talisman almost every day since returning.

Eivind S

www.masculinity-movies.com

The Hero's Journey Continues

As editor of this magazine for over two years, a key focus of what I brought to its development was looking at the relationship between the adventure of our lives as men and the mirror we share with the adventure stories we read, saw and heard as children and continue to be drawn to as adults. Stories including Braveheart, The Matrix and the Lord of the Rings all hold a powerful place in activating my imagination and creative spirit. As my understanding of the mirror these stories hold up to me grows, I realise my life is in no small way an adventure, and (boldly) the hero at its centre is me. At the centre of your hero's journey is you. The power of the timeless story structure of the "hero's journey" is not just entertainment but a vital and crucial component in unlocking the mystery of who we are and discovering what the hell it is we are doing here. In 2000 I met with Michael B and began a journey into myth, story and the unfolding truth of my life. This journey continues to this day. When I went through my NWTA in the cold December of 1999 at Sopley, an initiatory fire was lit inside me that roared and raged for the first five years of my time inside this community. Over the last eight years it has mellowed into a flame that burns bright and constant and a little less fierce.

Until my time came in Sopley, I'd felt like a child locked in an adult's body. What I’d been looking for was a rite of passage that would unlock my potential and my route into adulthood. The men I spoke to on that weekend all nodded in recognition of this simple fact: we had all been waiting for this. We had not had it when we needed it most, as teenagers raging against the machine of life with no solid boundaries to hold us. My boundary was found within the walls of the prison I eventually ended up in.

I was magnetically drawn to MB and his work on teenage rites of passage. In the first few years we worked as a small team forming what became the Quest. Men from this community sponsored me to go to America with M to develop the work further with our U.S.brothers. The first Quest weekend was put on at Hazelwood House in Dorset in 2005. When I came home to my then girlfriend and told her the story of that weekend, I wept with relief at having found a path I knew was mine. At that point I was fired up and impatient and wanted to move things forward, fast – too much time had been wasted already. MB had been doing this work for ten years by that time and I was awed by his commitment and time served. It's now thirteen years since I began my own journey in creating a rite of passage for young men and to a great extent I'm just getting into my groove.

During that first weekend at Hazelwood I identified what I believed would work, for me, based on my own life experience. This was about time out in nature, working with a powerful story and encouraging the participants to write about their own life experiences. I moved on from the Quest and developed a programme over the next five years into what became the charity, Write to Freedom (W2F). We work on Dartmoor mainly with young offenders and serving prisoners released on temporary licence.

I'd been looking for a powerful mythic story that would work on the weekends for many years. Stories had come and gone with limited success. Earlier this year I woke up in the middle of the night being "attacked" by a story that wouldn’t leave me alone. I gave up trying to get back to sleep and wrote it down. Magically it has now become a central part of the W2F weekends. I'm now focusing on publishing it so it can reach as wide an audience as possible. The story I'd been looking for had been inside me the whole time. It came to the surface of my consciousness when I was ready to tell it and make it a part of the work.

The journey through the development of the Quest (which went on to become abandofbrothers – see www.abandofbrothers.org.uk for more details) to the creation of W2F has for me been an ongoing initiation; a series of painful, challenging and often joyful and energised adventures. My own growth into my sovereignty, learning and developing my leadership, has been fully informed and influenced by my work within the Mankind Project.

I stepped onto the Primary Integration Training (PIT) leader track eight years ago, worked intensely on it for three and stepped back till earlier this year. I took that step back to test the mettle my leadership in the crucible fire of my work in the wider world. I was recently Hot Seated for full PIT leader. As a result of a simple shortfall in actual PITs led, I got a "not yet". A decision I respected. I'm ready when I’m ready. What I've learnt over the thirteen years since joining this extraordinary community is patience. Everything unfolds in its own time not mine. I just need to keep showing up – which I do.

I can see many years of work ahead to bring W2F to where I believe it belongs in our community and in the world. I may be a lot older before this comes real, but I'm on my journey and in my groove. I'm offering young men what I didn't have as a teenager: a place for them to come and be with safe authentic, initiated men; to be fiercely and lovingly held, challenged and supported. What we create is a place where young men can learn and grow without having to wait as long as so many of us did. If there are men in the community who want to get involved, support or pledge, contact me.

Caspar W

Mission: By opening my heart and speaking my truth I create an abundant world of healing freedom and love.

The Lodge Keepers' Society

The Lodge Keepers’ Society Dear Men, I have recently returned from a week spent in Bedford, Indiana at the annual Lodge Keepers’ International gathering, where I was our MKP UK & Ireland representative. I found my experiences so moving and inspirational.

My journey started inLondon where I was kindly hosted for the eve before my departure by L. and his family. For me it is such a great opportunity spending time with people like this; being welcomed by families is such a great connection to people and place.

I had a day before and after the gathering because of the dates of my flights. So I spent those two days with another wonderful host family in Indianapolis, Eric W, his wife C, and their two sons. Both have strong family connections to the Cree nation.

From the moment I arrived with them I had a deep feeling in my heart as we talked, and it moves me to tears as I feel it again now. I felt “My God, this is where I am meant to be right now”, confirming for me the call of spirit to attend when I first saw the email asking for a representative to come forward. I was so welcomed by Eric’s family and we had a wonderful cultural and human exchange; it so enhanced my trip.

I took part in a ceremony with Eric and his family led by LM, one of the French-speaking lodge-keepers, who was also staying with us. In this we used the pipe and sang and prayed. Passing the pipe to C (Eric’s elder son of maybe 7 years) was so memorable. He touched it to each of his shoulders, held it as B (Eric’s younger son) touched it, and then passed it on.

I attended four sweats throughout the gathering. These inlcuded a Lakota Lodge with PS, one of the previous French-speaking head men, a sweat done almost entirely in French, and the most powerful and releasing for me.

Another was an Ojibaway lodge, a very healing lodge poured by CM, the LKS Founder. This was a very healing lodge with very beautiful songs, one of which has stayed with me and I often find myself singing it. At the end of this ceremony each of us was refreshed with a cool brew made with various healing herbs. Jars of this were given out for people in need of healing. Packed deep in my bag, wrapped in my sleeping bag, I took one of these for a person who I knew needed healing..

I took part in two pipe ceremonies which is a first for me within the LKS, and a great experience of learning and connection. It reinforced for me the beauty of dedicated ritual, in this case a group of men sharing a pipe with the utmost of respect for each other and the ceremony.

For me working around sweat lodges or participating in one, or taking part in ceremonies such as the Pipe, are times when I really drop into my heart and feel a love connection to Spirit. The men I met at the gathering were inspirational, so many dedicated guys working in spirit.

Most International centres run regular sweats outside of the NWTA, and it seems to be a great way of strengthening, learning and connecting. I would love to be a part of this with the UK LKS and I’m very willing to put my energies into that.

I felt such honour representing the UK at the gathering, and had some requests to staff at other centres throughout the worldwide community which I intend to follow. The learning shared by men in these international meetings was clear.  

My own knowledge about the LKS has grown so much, that I am inspired to step onto the path to become a Purification and Renewal Ceremony Leader (aka Water Pourer). I have received the blessing of the LKS for this and have the honour of now being mentored by Steve Cooper.

With an ever deeply loving heart, opening to Sprit,

 Richard K

Meet the men of the community – Matt G

I heard about the ManKind Project from a fellow brother who knew I was in a rut and feeling unfulfilled. He rang me up and said: “I’ve just been on this fantastic weekend where I learnt a lot about myself….I think it might be good for you …. take a look at their website… if you think it’s right for you at this time…register!” After looking at the website and having a think for a week or so, I signed up. And I have to say when I received the registration paperwork I thought “What have I let myself in for!” But I put that doubt behind me and looked forward to the weekend with an open mind.

When the weekend arrived I was getting apprehensive about what to expect. The paperwork hadn’t made it very clear (though now I understand why). Another man going on the training collected me and he too didn’t know what to expect, so between us we had lots to talk about on the way.

Now, three years after my training, I can honestly say I’m so glad I didn’t chicken out because it has had a major impact on my life.

I have a disability which stops me getting around and doing every day tasks as able-bodied people do. I hadn’t had a full time paid job until the year following my training (I’m now 34). The training gave me the determination to go “out there” and fight to get myself a job.

After many job applications I now work for my local council, mainly as admin for the community occupational therapy service. I am responsible for ordering and monitoring installations and modifications specified by occupational therapists to benefit people in their own homes and help them maintain their independence. I also monitor the users’ satisfaction levels and the council’s performance indicators, all of which I enjoy immensely.

The training also gave me the ability to appreciate my friends and family. I am able to put my point across to the people I love and care for the most and still listen to their point of view without losing my temper, which in the past I was very prone to do. I have learned how to appreciate life and encourage others to do the same.

I find myself putting things I learnt on the training into practice and tackling difficult people and situations without getting flustered.

So thank you “ManKind” for your help in realising my own potential!

Matt G

Dark Waters - Deep Diving Into Soul

Eighteen, working in the bush with a bunch of guys. Wild and carefree, full of crazy and adventurous energy, we worked hard and we played hard. Late one evening, following a trip to the local bar, on our way back to camp, someone suggested a swim - skinny-dipping, that would be. It was the height of summer in the interior of British Columbia, and so, despite the lateness of the hour, everyone agreed that this was a truly excellent and fine idea.

Adjacent to this town was a small lake and on it a small resort with a beach and a pier. And so, as quietly as a bunch of fairly drunken young guys could be (i.e., not very), we snuck through the resort grounds and ran (stumbled) down to the beach.

I, along with the others, dropped my clothes as I ran and then, stark naked, plunged headfirst off the end of the dock into the black and murky waters.

Believing that I had made a relatively shallow dive, I was quite sure I would return to the surface almost immediately. This proved not to be the case however, and I found myself swimming upwards, and upwards, and yet upwards, and still upwards...

Some moments passed - I really have no idea how long - and then, very quickly, panic began to set in. I was taken by an overwhelmingly frightful thought: what if I was swimming in the wrong direction? What if I was swimming downwards, instead of upwards - or even horizontally? In the total blackness of the night I had no sense of up, nor down - or any other direction. I realized that if I kept swimming I could be taking myself ever downwards to ever-darker and colder waters and ultimately, quite possibly to my death.

Then….somehow….into my cloudy mind drifted the thought that was to be my salvation: STOP! Stop swimming,  stop trying, stop everything. Just STOP! My own buoyancy, my own lightness, would carry me back to the surface and life-giving air. My lungs were now already desperate for breath and I knew that, especially if I had been swimming downwards, it could take some time for me to drift back to the surface.

But I forced myself to be still, stopped the desperate and frantic clawing at the water and, after a very long time, I did eventually break out once again into the cool night and inhaled the most beautiful lungful of air I have ever tasted.

Years later I came to look back on this experience with new eyes. What a beautiful and almost perfect metaphor for those dark nights of the soul in my life. To the extent that I thrash around desperately trying to find my way out of the dark waters, there is a good chance I will remain there. I might even die. To the extent that I allow myself to be carried gently by and through such waters, I just might eventually re-surface - somehow reborn, transformed.

Brad N 

Meet the men of the community – Mark J

I went through the Adventure at Sopley in 2001. In 1993 I had been ordained an Anglican priest.  But believe me - Sopley was a more powerful experience. The weekend was like standing under an ice-cold shower then being wrapped in a warm blanket. I was truly exposed for the first time. I was a gay man amongst many straight men and this scared me. I had never been shy about my sexuality; after all I had always known I was gay, but before this time I had been comfortably contained within a gay social network. I was actually estranged from other men. It was as if straight men were a different species, and a slightly menacing one at that.

Sopley also freed me from a religious world view. It was the antithesis of theDamascusroad experience and from the Saturday night I no longer believed in a traditional god. Coming from a very religious, anti-gay heritage, and believing in a god who would ultimately punish me for being me, this was a life changing moment, a rebirth.

I realised I was just a man among other men and we all had our stories. I had been just as blind to other men as I thought they had been to me. Now, from a place of pain and exposure, we could grow new skins with new sensitivities.

Within one year I had left the Church, which I had both loved and loathed, and was working with refugees. I then took a Masters degree and a PGCE, and became a teacher. I am now head of the psychology department in a lovely school where I teach full time.

The last ten years have been a journey. I have not been active in MKP. I believe that you can only be initiated once and then the hero’s journey continues elsewhere. But I have worked and meditated and laughed and built fires with many initiated men in various men’s groups since then.

Last year at 50 I took the final step and wore to school a small badge on my lapel which said GAY ICON. This was a scary moment. But I decided that if I didn’t say who I was, how could I ever expect anyone else to do so? 

All went well. The students thought it was mildly interesting for about ten minutes, which was the ideal response, the head-teacher shook my hand and said “Well done”, and so we all moved on.

Sopley came at the right time for me. It kicked me out of my comfort zone and gave me a starter kit to help re-engage with the world I had left. That’s what initiations should be about; they are liminal events, and once I had crossed that threshold I could never go back. The future lay ahead with all its uncertainties, but I realised after the dance that I was no longer alone.

Mark J

The Adventure - I fell into the arms of men

This weekend I fell into the arms of men.I fell into trust of man. I fell into myself.

I opened my eyes and saw the shining sky. I looked out and saw my brothers’ eyes. I looked out and saw the familiar face of the complete stranger who is me.

And for the first time felt love for him. Is this compassion, then? I saw greatness and beauty in other men: in their fierce nakedness, in their innocent strength, in eyes that have seen what I will never see... in ways I will never fathom. Eyes so different from me; eyes that lovingly behold me; eyes of another man, and another, and another... Just ordinary men: as vulnerable and mortal and wildly beautiful as each other.

I am a Wild Salmon, Journeying Home. Towards a new mortality. A new death. I am going, to die. I have already died and will die again and again. Let it always be a good death: Clean, Sheer, Complete. So I can be free to live with power and authenticity.

I left for this weekend with not a single hero, and returned with 80. Plus one. I’ve never believed in anything, least of all me - Life is full of surprises.... And the journey Continues.

Matthew H