From The Head To The Heart

My first impression of The Comb was one of sadness and desolation, which at the time felt odd. In fact, it really concerned me: I didn’t understand why I felt that way. I’d had a pleasant enough drive up, re-connecting on the way with two brothers who were staffing at “my” ManKind Project Adventure Weekend just over a year before. I want to take a moment here to honour these two men and many more like them who give up their time regularly to keep the NWTA-wheels rolling. It’s a great gift you give.

Also along for the ride was a man I hadn’t met before, with whom I had an inspiring conversation around the subject of family. Looking back now, I realise that the empathy with which this man spoke somehow planted the idea in my head for the first time that I was going to a place where I could be held, held safe. Previously, that seemed impossible. In my iGroup I always say “You and all the energies you bring are welcome in this circle of men tonight” - and I mostly believe it, but not then, at The Comb. At that time, I just didn’t feel welcome.

As a first time staffer, I’d never seen how a man can fully let go of his grief without running the risk of somehow disrupting the process with the initiates, and so my dark thoughts were that if I let go, I’d be swamped. The initiates must come first and there would be no time for me. And while other people felt welcome, people who could stay cheerful and positive for the greater good of the task we were gathering for, even if they were in mourning, that wouldn’t be true for me.

Because I was in mourning. It took me the whole journey to accept that - and the OK-ness of it.

In June last year I flew out to Cape Townfor three weeks to be with my Mom and brother. She died about half way through that time, which was great in a sense because I was able to stay on for the Celebration of her life. I’ll never forget it: there were lots of people, many with outlandish anecdotes about how she’d touched their lives. As a member of the Black Sash, she’d actively demonstrated against Apartheid in the bad old years.

Later she was member of a whole string of volunteer groups, some of which I’d known nothing about. She became something of an eco-warrior, a peace activist, a writer, a teacher, a Quaker. Eccentric and iron-willed, she had very clear ideas about right and wrong, and if something was wrong she was all about finding a way to change it. One story typifies this quality: I guess she was in her mid-sixties when she noticed that her favourite outdoor clothing shop, Cape Union Mart, had an advertising campaign that was unduly biased towards the young and hip; I think of pouty nubile models who normally wouldn’t be seen dead within a mile of a camping site. She duly marched into her local branch to discuss her “constructive criticism” with the management. The result?

We found a clipping from the Cape Times, an advertisement for this same shop featuring a black and white photo of a raggedy-assed pensioner with an unruly shock of grey hair sitting bow-legged on a park bench, looking for all the world like a hobo, except she has this smuggest of grins on her face. It says: Name: June H. Occupation: Peace worker. Favourite restaurant: so-and-so. Favourite clothing shop:CapeUnionMart. And then just: “Real clothing for real people.”

Much of this felt new to me. To my deepest regret, I realised that my Mom had been the realest person I’d known. It was almost as though it was only through death that I’d finally managed to connect with her warrior spirit or somehow even realise that she had one. How did I miss that? At 23, she’d hitchhiked alone right through South Africaand Botswana. She was 50 when she got stabbed while demonstrating for People Need Water, Not Weapons. Later -- I think she was 69 – she suddenly announced to us that she was off on a backpacking trip toIndia. And at 75, she came to England to take a job looking after the elderly, rounding it off by taking herself off to the Edinburgh Festival for some culture.

Even on a shoestring budget, she always knew the things she wanted to get done and wouldn’t rest till she’d found a way.

I stood in awe of her integrity and single-mindedness and decided to dedicate my life to becoming a son worthy of such a role model. But in Cape Town I was on compassionate leave and the clock was ticking. Two days later, back home and standing outside my workplace, steeling myself to go in, I slammed the door on all that had happened and moved on.

Fast forward 10 months to MKP and my staffing at The Comb and I was still trying to get fully into the idea that the grief I’d shut out, the grief I could feel welling up again, had any place in what we were doing.

I was in conflict: on one side, it was dawning on me that I had both the right and the need to grieve. On the other: what was I thinking, bringing this weight in with me, when there was men’s work to be done? As a first time staffer, I guess I just hadn’t seen it modelled and didn’t get how grief this deep could be turned into a gift. And then a man pulled me aside and pointed out that there would be men coming who were experiencing a similar grief and, whether they knew it or not, were looking for someone to model a way of expressing it. The penny dropped, the light went ON!

I was still dazed, rushing round the kitchen like a headless chicken or losing my focus, but from that moment on I let go and started to enjoy myself. The patience, humour and support I felt from my team-mates in the kitchen and from every man, though not always spoken, was palpable. And ... well, humbling.

And I’ve since remembered that being strong-willed has a shadow side. Not so, Ma? Actually, she’d be the first to admit it, bless her.

These are simple truths, I see that now. But what was it the fella once said about the journey from the head to the heart? It takes a little longer sometimes and that’s not always a bad thing.

Ben H

Finding My Mission

I have been initiated into manhood. I have been welcomed into a vast network of honest and caring men prepared to help me see and master my shadows. This is how it happened and what it means to me. My first contact with the Mankind Project after signing up for the New Warrior Training Adventure last year was several pages of legal talk. I was asked to sign a consent form which looked to me like it freed all staff of any responsibility. This seemed to me to contradict the value of accountability emphasised on the organization’s webpage. However, I managed to dismiss this as a result ofUKliability law being out of control. With only the sparse information on the webpage and a comforting five minute talk with the enrolment coordinator, I paid my money and ventured into the unknown.

Why did I to this? What spoke to me was not the suggestion on the main web page that I may be alienated or confused, having “some vital part missing”. After the fact, I can see how this did apply to me to some extent. What I went for, however, was the idea of finding a personal mission so as to live a more wholesome and purposeful life. I was facing some important career decisions and questioned the ultimate purpose of my career. I also wanted more male comradeship of the deep emotional talk variety.

The way to Northumberland national park was a long one. Deep in the wild, on a cold December evening, I encountered a group of very grave staff men. “Not accountable, not caring – so what are these guys about?” I found myself thinking. But there I was. Then there was a door, and I was asked to step in only if I was prepared to be challenged. I said my only worry was not to be challenged enough. I still had the worry that this was mostly for people seriously astray and that it would mostly involve things I had already tried in other places.

I was challenged enough. Not the way I expected. Not physically so much, or socially, though there was that too, but challenged to take a deep look at myself. But not just to look, not just to see my hurts, my patterns, my shadows, but to find the strength to accept them and so to overcome them. This all happened through the weekend-long process the exact nature of which is a well-guarded secret, and so it should be.

The way my own adventure developed was probably rather typical. I started out rather judgmental, finding faults with the process and thinking how it could be improved. When I was first challenged to speak of my life, feelings around social isolation came out, perhaps since I recently moved and my social life was rather poor around this time. This was surface stuff, though, and the process soon led me deeper into profound feelings of unworthiness. With the gracious help of the many warm and forthright staff men, and through the excellent techniques they had mastered, I found a new and richer understanding of these deep and potentially disastrous feelings and, more importantly, ways to let them go, or at least push them out of my core self-identity.

The Adventure is partly supposed to be an initiation into manhood. Though I had thought about the lack of such male rites of passage in our culture, I did not think I needed one for myself. I had felt rather at peace with being a man, having gone through the usual dissatisfaction with my actual father and various other father figures. I had come to terms with the fact that I had to be the man I had wanted them to be. I may even have thought of myself as a warrior of sorts. Also, I was sceptical of the strong gendering that comes with thinking of adult life as “Manhood”.

I still have some of that scepticism, but I recognize that I am a man, whether by biology or culture, and that I share many strengths and weaknesses with other men in particular. I now feel stronger and more grounded. I very much appreciate the symbolic aspects of this initiation into modern manhood. And being welcomed into the ranks of the fine staff men, as one of them, felt very good.

There was a lot of connection that weekend. With deep parts of myself. With other men and their deep parts, their problems and potentials. With nature. With my ancestors. With the world we live in quite generally.

I have attended an iGroup a few times after the training. The group is rather small and has its struggles: as we all struggle to keep our hearts open and our minds focused in this precarious modern society. These struggles are easier for me now that I am a New Warrior, a champion for good, a humble, accountable and caring man who accepts myself as I am, not conditional on performance.

Acceptance, I realized during the weekend, is my key to being able to create a world where people can play safe and free, by inviting them to play with me. This is the mission that I found. Every time I say it, it feels so simple, almost silly, but that is just what I personally need to inspire me to be the man, and the person, that I want to be.

In gratitude, KG

Mixing The Ingredients

I’ve only staffed the NWTA (from the ManKind Project, or MKP) twice - the last time in the Comb, way out west in the undulating hills of northern England where fuzzy cows stand guard on the one winding access route. Some 40 individual men all came down that narrow path to join as one, 40 souls to build a pot for another 40 men looking to be cooked, heated, shaken and moved into a new story about themselves.

For me, acknowledging our shadows as a staff group on the Friday is what rocked me into gear. The revved up energy of men regurgitating shadows, the dark bilious stuff that we hide by instinct and need to cough up to become clear, authentic, honest and humble. Man o’ man, we were shouting it there in the tinny space of the massive hangar, crying it out, getting all fierce and clear and determined to play it straight and to play it safe.

Yes, play it. The German author Friedrich Schiller said: “Man only plays when in the full meaning of the word he is a man, and he is only completely a man when he plays”.

If we can’t squeeze laughter into our deep despair, then we’re lost.  If we can’t twinkle as we cry, we’re not spanning our full being. It ain’t sacred if it ain’t playful.

So in the shadows, there was pure laughter too. Men smiling, shaking their heads in disbelief, ready to be surprised, awakened, changed. Alive to the moment, tingling, focused, loving.

Seeing each other’s shadows, we relax into commonality, and surrender to the crazy, absurd juxtapositions of being fully alive, beyond deadening judgments or fixed positions.

We held the men arriving one after another through that dark door, laden with bags full of comforting belongings; we held them with the care and love of an older brother; we held them as best we could for three days.

And by Sunday we had reason to celebrate - we had served other men seeking grace and generative love on the magic carpet of their lives. As we took leave with our eyes to the beat of a drummer, we no longer mirrored their fears, but connected with our hearts, as brothers.

On the plane back to Sweden, I felt the world had become a little bit safer and a little bit more loving.

Soon I’d be home to play with my boys.

Miki

www.vildkultur.se

Flying Through Life

Being asked to write a brief article for The ManKind Project magazine, Spearhead, is an obvious privilege, yet I didn’t think it would be quite so difficult. I have been caught up in the minutiae of trying to remember my training, what were the challenges and what did the weekend do for me? Looking back, all I remember is that my weekend was early in March 2010, it was bitterly cold, and I went through a process that was to have a huge impact on my life.

Everyone experiences the training in different ways. I left with a gem, a lens to look through life with, something that has become a kind of mantra for me, and that challenges me to be everything I can be. It’s simply: “What kind of man do I want to be?” Of course my shadow comes and bites me up the arse from time to time but it’s pretty consistent and the more I commit the more I notice a shift. It is so subtle that I don’t know it is actually happening. I have to reflect back and look at the last few months to see how my life is radically changing. OK, so I’m 40 and might be having a midlife crisis, but it is precisely this lens that is going to get me through any challenge.

What kind of man do I want to be? It is such a provocative question and yet has guided me so successfully to date. With an addictive personality, I have used it to deal with so many of my demons.  Before I went on the training I was smoking a packet of tobacco a week, drinking a double espresso (before I could function in the morning) and my psoriasis was so bad that I actually accepted that sooner or later it would cover my entire body.

It’s funny looking back, because I didn’t consciously say “Right I am going to give up cigarettes, or coffee, or whatever.” I totally realized those vices just didn’t suit me anymore, and were no longer part of my life. Consequently, there was nothing really to give up….. and my psoriasis is now clearer than it  ever has been.

This mantra infiltrates every part of my life. It’s so prolific, that I can’t hide from it. I have committed to be everything I can be, and therefore the challenge is always there and I can’t turn back. I was at a party tonight with my two boys and someone offered me a pint. I started salivating at the thought of it, but the truth be known I had an article to write and next week is particularly important for me, so this little voice said “Have a cuppa instead.” I guess you would have to know me to understand what a huge breakthrough this is for me.

Professionally, I have been a CSR consultant for the last 7 years, looking at how businesses really embed sustainability through employee engagement. Although worthwhile, I have never gone “Wow, I love my job”. I have always been envious of those who have. I feel like I’ve been pushing rope uphill for so long, or walking through thick treacle. I just resigned myself to the fact that I was bloody lucky to have a job, especially my own and just hung in there. Knowing how frustrated I’ve been, a friend rang me up and asked if I’d heard of LEAD, an organization facilitating leadership on sustainable development.

Cutting a long story short, I duly signed up and within a month I was booked onto the course. Within the first few days I started asking myself those inevitable questions like “Who am I? What do I value and what does leadership mean to me?”

Within a week, I returned home, met with my business partner and pulled the plug on a seven year business. So, I am at a massive crossroads in my life, and feel that I’ve thrown myself off a very large cliff and am currently in mid flight. It is an emotive place to be but one full of opportunities. If I am honest I feel a little schizophrenic, because depending on when you get me I am either over the moon with possibilities, or deep in despair at my predicament. Luckily, it is much more the former than the latter, but as one good friend said to me, “Jono, you are simply in the chaos phase, and out of chaos magic happens.”

MKP has given me a tool with which to navigate through life’s trials and tribulations. And above all it has taught me the importance of having men in my life. I was blessed to have Alan H (RIP) as my mentor and friend. He stood with me and guided me with such integrity and commitment that I was blown away to receive such genuine love and support from another man.

After the New Warrior Adventure Training (NWTA) I asked him where he was from and he said near Bath. I gave him a gentle smile and told him I was, too. I now have the joy of being part of the Bath iGroup. On my first visit, I remember walking through the woods, the smell of wild garlic pungent in the air and as I came round the corner there was a group of men sitting by a fire in a clearing and one of them playing the harp. It doesn’t get better than that!

Jon E

An Extraordinary Experience

I've spent the last 11 years deeply involved in personal development – therapies, workshops, books; and teaching and coaching others is my work and business. The thing I’ve realised over time is that my biggest personal challenge is to take action in my life. Instead, I frequently find myself waiting for something to happen, distracting myself with unimportant things, or reading books or articles about really useful techniques that will help me to get on and do something. As a child I had very little awareness of my natural father and although I had (and still do) a step-father (who I call Dad), there was still something missing for me as a boy. I've never really been able to feel like a man and I'm having to make up being a father to my own children as I go along, because I didn't want to recreate my own childhood (very harsh) for my children. To me that feels like a lot of pressure and there are times when I really haven't felt up to it.

I've always been someone who holds back, particularly as a child, preferring my own company to that of other people. I have found it really difficult to connect with other people, particularly men. I found that it was much easier to talk to women and I have a wonderful wife who I've been able to hide behind for many years! I've done lots of work on this in the last few years and although I find it much easier now, there are still times when I hold back and don't participate, which is really frustrating for me.

This all came to a head in August when I realised that it was time to change, otherwise I'd end up living a very unfulfilled life. My daughter attends a Steiner School in Ringwood and I consider myself really fortunate to know a few of the Dads at the school who have already attended the Mankind Project New Warrior Training Adventure weekend and I'd also seen some amazing changes in a couple of them who attended earlier this year. It was a no-brainer for me, as I wanted these changes for myself.

As it's my normal habit to put things off for as long as I can, I made the call and booked myself in before I had time even to consider the thought “I'll do it next time”. It was the best decision I have ever made. The thing that really sealed it for me is how open, honest and welcoming these men are.

I could feel in myself a resistance to making a connection with them, even though I really wanted to. I could get so far, but then my old habits of holding back kicked in and I always felt like an outsider.

My wife thought it was very strange that I'd want to do the NWTA, but she's incredibly supportive and was able to trust that I knew what I was doing. To be honest, knowing nothing about it other than seeing it had worked for my friends, I really didn't know what I was doing or letting myself in for! What I did have, though, was the feeling that something big was going to happen in my life and that this would be a really positive experience for me.

I knew that it was likely to challenge and frighten me, so I wasn't going to take it lightly. I found the 4 week wait for the weekend quite frustrating, but actually it's really good for me to sit with the not knowing – I know from my work that it's much easier to make changes when you're uncomfortable than when you're comfortable!

Finally, the weekend was upon me and I travelled up to the MKP venue, the Comb, with four other men, which really helped to relax me. It also served to heighten my anticipation and discomfort about the unknown that was to come. The trip up there was a really powerful experience for me in itself. On arrival at the Comb I knew I had a choice to make: to either just see what happened, or to make a commitment to myself to get the most out of it that I possibly could. I'm happy to say I chose to really go for it.

My overall impression of the MKP weekend is one of immense personal challenge, but in an environment of care, attention and nurture to a level that I have never seen or experienced in my life. I felt accepted, appreciated and loved to a degree that completely took me by surprise and for the first time in my life, I felt like a man.

People have asked me loads of questions since I've been back, ranging from, “What was it like?” to “What did you do?” to “You seem in a really good space, what's happened?” My answer to each of them is that I've met a part of myself that I never knew existed – I'm in touch with something that really helps me and serves me when I need it. At times, it was really hard, but overall, a healthy mixture of frustration and joy! Plus, to top it all off, I met a bunch of other men who have similar feelings, frustrations and challenges as I do.

It's wonderful to realise that even the men who I really look up to and see as “Real Men” have their own challenges and issues around their identity as a man. My deepest truth is that I now know I have the power to chose whether or not I hold myself back. It's definitely a work in progress, but to have a deep awareness of this feels to me like freedom.

I still hold back at times and go through the usual kicking myself afterwards, but I'm able to accept that I'm still learning and that keeps me moving forwards.

The celebration evening is an opportunity to be presented to your tribe as a Man, something that I really enjoyed and I feel is missing from our culture now that we don't have initiations in our lives. I needed to be recognised and accepted as a man, in order to feel like one. I'm already reaping the rewards in my work – I'm finding that:

• I'm much more focused and able to help people in their lives
• I've stopped wasting time doing things that don't help my business or my family
• My clients are having a much deeper connection with me and getting better results
• And although I've always loved the work I do, I'm finding much more joy and happiness from it, which is making the distractions much easier to ignore.

I was never expecting a magic wand that would cure all my issues, but I've come home with a big stick to hit them with, which is good enough for me! I'm really proud of myself for having done it! The Adventure has the potential to be an extraordinary experience, and it certainly was for me.

Dan N

Liking Myself A Whole Lot More

I can still remember travelling down to Embercombe to do my NWTA Adventure as if it was yesterday, when in fact it was September of 2010. Approximately 18 months before I set off, I was approached by a friend of mine, John McLaughlin. In a very easy way, he said that he does some stuff that he thought would be good for me. It was as simple as that, no hard sell, not even an explanation. I asked what it was and he just said that he thought I would get something from it. I then said "maybe" or words to that effect, and carried on with my life. What he didn't know was that small conversation stayed with me until it was mentioned again, about a year later. I then said "how many do you do a year?" He told me and I replied that I would "do one before the end of that year". Leading up to September John called me up and said that there was one approaching, he told me the price and I paid over the phone. Job done. I knew nothing of what I had signed up to.... men’s work?.....no idea!

However what was really strange was that when I put the phone down I burst into tears, to this day I still do not know why. But I remember feeling a massive relief, but I didn't know what it was, just an overwhelming feeling, and it lasted for ages.

Still not reading up, or taking in what this weekend was about, all I knew was to bring some food and some winter clothes. When I was driving down I was in such a rage, swearing and cursing to myself, calling my partner and doing the same thing to her. I was driving to a place in the middle of nowhere, I knew no-one, because I had asked John to stay away for my weekend. I understand that he was a man who staffed every weekend, and finding he’d be there made me feel uneasy. About halfway into my journey I got a text from John - "trust the process" was all it said. It kept going around in my head, over and over again......what was it supposed to mean? But it was those three words that got me through the doors, and through the first evening.

On arrival I was so agitated, so angry. I was fuming, but that was more about what was happening inside me. I was greeted by one man who directed me to another, the first question/words that came out of my mouth were "when can I leave?" I was getting angrier and angrier, yet all the time I kept repeating those three words from John "trust the process". I put every bit of trust in that man and my partner, who’d kept encouraging me to do the weekend. I had never before heard the lines, “rites of passage”, “work on myself”. Never spoken to anyone about this stuff.

From the Friday night to the Sunday afternoon it was a rollercoaster of emotions for me, for the first time in my life I was honest with myself. I started to see who I was, maybe who I was meant to be. I could sit in the company of other men and not feel intimidated, not have to roll out wisecracks for the hope of fitting in, to be accepted. I think I started to think that it may be OK to be me...as I am........I shed many tears, tears that I maybe should have shed many years ago. I allowed my emotions to go on show, if that was what they wanted to do. At times it felt as though I had been walking around with a rucksack full of bricks, all of my life, without realising it. Then brick by brick as the weekend went on, they slowly started to leave, and the load was getting lighter and lighter.

On the Sunday when we said our final goodbye, the tears were streaming down my face, I had a heavy heart. Yet when I walked out of the gates I felt as though I could have climbedMount Everest, just for the fun of it.

The weekend is no walk in the park, there's no making daisy chains, yet I remember thinking that I would happily pay double for that all over again. I remember calling John on my way home and thanking him with all of my heart, I remember telling him that I would forever be in his debt for the gift that he had given me. One year on and I have embraced as much as I could and I’ve staffed in Embercombe, inIrelandand in the Comb.

I have done an intensive PIT [the follow up course to the NWTA] and staffed one as well. I am also in an iGroup [an ongoing men's group]. I have met, and continue to meet, some great men whose company and character I just love. As for my life? I now get to see things in all of my honesty. What I mean by that is, gone are the days when I would see something, or find myself in a situation thinking "what should I say, so that I fit in. How should I act?" I look for my truth, and hopefully I find it. I try to be the best that I can be....before, I didn't think that I deserved to be the best. When I find myself in a situation faced with something that makes me uncomfortable, I don't react straight away, I don't make a judgement. I try to see if something is happening for me, I look to see if I am looking in a mirror.

Today I can look at something, or hear something and if I think "man that’s beautiful" then I will say it. I want that man/woman to know what is going on for me, and if it's something good, then it's no good sitting in my heart, in my head. That way no-one knows....what a waste.....Today I like who I am, this time a year ago I could never have said that. And this time next year I hope to like myself a whole lot more...........Aho!

Martin C

The Journey To The Comb, June 2011

My friend at work mentioned the Mankind Project during a lunch conversation about two months before the weekend, and though we spoke very briefly, the NWTA somehow caught my mind very quickly. I can’t say for sure whether my curiosity, or the concepts of MKP, or the title of the program "New Warrior Training Adventure", got my attention – but I made up my mind immediately to participate! However, as the weekend was closing and when I needed to make my commitments, I was thinking over a lot; my wife was pregnant and needed a lot of my time; I had spent a lot of money on medical procedures recently: there were many criticisms on the internet about NWTA and the unconventional approaches…and so on. All these reasons looked logical and very valid for not attending the weekend… however, deep down in my heart I felt I must attend it.

At the Comb

On day one, when everyone had a turn to say what they wanted to achieve by the end of the weekend, I didn’t have anything in particular to say. I tried reason out why I was there, came up with many reasons, but none looked like why I really was there. At some point I stopped thinking and said to myself that I just wanted to have this experience.

I must say day one wasn’t the most convincing one; it could be that a lot of sudden changes in my regular environment meant that my mind and body were too cautious about everything. I kept thinking logically and tended to be apprehensive about the program. And I wanted to complain lot about a lot of things, the mystifying registration procedures, accommodation, toilet facilities, water, lighting, mosquitoes, and the unusual environment for a training…. but on day two none of those concerns looked important and I started to enjoy the excitement and brightness of the experience.

One of the most valuable things about the weekend was that I was able to get to know about 40 other men in an utterly honest environment, their values, mission, issues, regrets etc. I often learn lessons by making mistakes; however the weekend environment was such that men can learn their lessons without making mistakes. It was invaluable. Most of the men I met ultimately wanted to create a better world and determined to go about making it happen. This experience was remarkable; it took all of us back to our childhood and enabled us to rebuild our character through what is important to us today.

The MKP seniors were invaluable in making this experience real, their true desire to help someone was remarkable. My experience was thoroughly enlightening, I returned with an ultimate sense of being unblocked. I have been sharing myself with my friends and family ever since my weekend!

Karthicraja G

The Adventure at The Comb, Northumberland June 2011

Hungry for initiation I have felt a deep, ferocious hunger for that elusive sense of maturity for years now - never having been able to shake the unpleasant feeling that I am still but a boy in the body of a man. And I knew I needed help to get past a masochistic, pervasive undercurrent in life which always made every action feel not quite right, not exactly authentic. In many ways, my life was great - and improving. Yet, my suffering was undeniable. And so I was ready. In the evening of June 4 2011, at The Comb in Northumberland, I finally embarked on my life's first Hero's journey.

It was an intense experience; over in a flash. Yet contained within those brief moments was a journey through grief into rebirth. That is more than literary symbolism - I was reborn, surrounded by initiated men, losing my masochistic beliefs on the way. It was a surreal, yet deeply impacting experience - and one I had not prepared for. All the visions of a hero's journey that I’ve entertained myself with, looked very different to mine.

As the facilitators circled us on the last day - bidding us farewell in silence - I felt my heart so strongly. Rare are the moments in life when I have felt so alive. Tears flowed down my face. I stood there an initiated man - having been through a ritual for which my entire soul had hungered for years. The look on the faces of these men - each featuring a unique mixture of love and acceptance - confirmed that I had indeed received what I longed for. Some missing part of me was starting to pour back in. I was happy.

Journey to The Comb

I run a webpage called Masculinity Movies. It emerged out of my own search for maturity and manhood and running it has brought me much learning and satisfaction. As my exploration of movies, spirituality and psychology deepened, the book King, Warrior, Magician, Lover - Archetypes of the Mature Masculine showed up on my radar. The authors are Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette, men of some familiarity to you, I suspect.

As my understanding of these archetypes grew, I started applying them to my movie reviews - with outstanding results. People loved what they read - and I learned so much.

The Mankind Project was mentioned with increasing frequency and eventually my reviews became featured content on both the Mankind Project's Facebook page and their journal on www.mankindprojectjournal.org It was clear that I had found an organization full of men who shared my thoughts and passions, and I felt excited by the growing possibility of global brotherhood.

I connected with MKP men such as KDC, BH and MG and my participation in the weekend was inevitable. Speaking with BH on Skype one day pretty much cemented it. There was nothing more to think about - I took a leap of faith and I don't regret it.

I was afraid when I knocked on the door and entered the darkness behind it, but boy am I happy that I did!

Back to Normal?

I returned home with a slight concern that the experience would just be a workshop high, my freedom slowly dwindling with every passing day after returning home. But I do feel different. Something has remained. In fact, some hard-to-describe feeling of being a man and not a boy has strengthened and I feel more confident overall. Most importantly, I feel freer to express myself. In fact, my voice has changed. It has opened and become deeper. Several people have commented on it.

I want to write briefly about my shadow, identified on my weekend as I create a more alienated world by being judgmental about others. The number one inner conflict in my life is my desire to connect, combined with the fear of rejection. My need to connect is tremendous. I love going to deep and rich places with people. Yet for many years, my spiritual practice was a solitary affair which served to strengthen this shadow.

Before I move to criticize it, I want to honor my many years of sitting meditation practice and my deep inroads into worlds such as Buddhism, integral theory and tantra. They served me well for many years. Yet, I remained divorced from life itself. So in my feelings of unfulfillment, I learned that I could protect myself from the fear of rejection by condemning people who I might otherwise wish to connect with as unworthy, less spiritual. Absolutely wonderful. Served me well. And I'm so fucking done with it.

The new openness that is unfolding in my life allows me to go deeper with others. The key for me is the ability to share impact combined with a deeper realization of my ability to be self-sufficient in the love department. Now, when someone impacts me in a way I like or don't like, I can simply share my experience of it. It's not a defense, and yet it's the best defense of all. Shared humanity. What a concept!

My relationships have deepened considerably this year, yet the experience of intimacy in the interpersonal spaces of my life has dropped to an even deeper and richer level since the weekend at The Comb. I feel nourished.

The path ahead

In two weeks’ time, I go to Edinburgh for my PIT. I feel inspired to facilitate at a training adventure not too long from now. To experience it from the other angle. To give it. My mission statement involves curiosity and blessing and so, the path is lit.

I have gathered four MKP men and three other good men who live in the Oslo area and our first real gathering is planned for August. I am moving in three weeks, to the first flat I could ever call truly mine, and will be happy to host them there. This is deeply significant for me, contributing to a general feeling of increased groundedness and embodiment. I feel pleased with myself. My heart opens when I write that.

I'm also feeling big openings in my quest for my true mission in the world. So many good things are happening. I feel stronger and more peaceful and I'm even sensing that a woman is going to come into my life again soon. I realize that I have held the belief that if I get to be with a woman, I somehow automatically get the better end of the deal. And having seen it, I realize how bullshit it is. I can now own how lucky the woman who gets to have me will be. We will both be lucky, gifts to each other.

Would these things have happened if I didn't do my NWTA? Hard to say. I think it probably would have eventually considering the intensity of my yearning for ever-increasing maturity and insight. But it's not important. It is what it is and I'm happy with the way I arrived here. I have worn my talisman almost every day since returning.

Eivind S

www.masculinity-movies.com

The Hero's Journey Continues

As editor of this magazine for over two years, a key focus of what I brought to its development was looking at the relationship between the adventure of our lives as men and the mirror we share with the adventure stories we read, saw and heard as children and continue to be drawn to as adults. Stories including Braveheart, The Matrix and the Lord of the Rings all hold a powerful place in activating my imagination and creative spirit. As my understanding of the mirror these stories hold up to me grows, I realise my life is in no small way an adventure, and (boldly) the hero at its centre is me. At the centre of your hero's journey is you. The power of the timeless story structure of the "hero's journey" is not just entertainment but a vital and crucial component in unlocking the mystery of who we are and discovering what the hell it is we are doing here. In 2000 I met with Michael B and began a journey into myth, story and the unfolding truth of my life. This journey continues to this day. When I went through my NWTA in the cold December of 1999 at Sopley, an initiatory fire was lit inside me that roared and raged for the first five years of my time inside this community. Over the last eight years it has mellowed into a flame that burns bright and constant and a little less fierce.

Until my time came in Sopley, I'd felt like a child locked in an adult's body. What I’d been looking for was a rite of passage that would unlock my potential and my route into adulthood. The men I spoke to on that weekend all nodded in recognition of this simple fact: we had all been waiting for this. We had not had it when we needed it most, as teenagers raging against the machine of life with no solid boundaries to hold us. My boundary was found within the walls of the prison I eventually ended up in.

I was magnetically drawn to MB and his work on teenage rites of passage. In the first few years we worked as a small team forming what became the Quest. Men from this community sponsored me to go to America with M to develop the work further with our U.S.brothers. The first Quest weekend was put on at Hazelwood House in Dorset in 2005. When I came home to my then girlfriend and told her the story of that weekend, I wept with relief at having found a path I knew was mine. At that point I was fired up and impatient and wanted to move things forward, fast – too much time had been wasted already. MB had been doing this work for ten years by that time and I was awed by his commitment and time served. It's now thirteen years since I began my own journey in creating a rite of passage for young men and to a great extent I'm just getting into my groove.

During that first weekend at Hazelwood I identified what I believed would work, for me, based on my own life experience. This was about time out in nature, working with a powerful story and encouraging the participants to write about their own life experiences. I moved on from the Quest and developed a programme over the next five years into what became the charity, Write to Freedom (W2F). We work on Dartmoor mainly with young offenders and serving prisoners released on temporary licence.

I'd been looking for a powerful mythic story that would work on the weekends for many years. Stories had come and gone with limited success. Earlier this year I woke up in the middle of the night being "attacked" by a story that wouldn’t leave me alone. I gave up trying to get back to sleep and wrote it down. Magically it has now become a central part of the W2F weekends. I'm now focusing on publishing it so it can reach as wide an audience as possible. The story I'd been looking for had been inside me the whole time. It came to the surface of my consciousness when I was ready to tell it and make it a part of the work.

The journey through the development of the Quest (which went on to become abandofbrothers – see www.abandofbrothers.org.uk for more details) to the creation of W2F has for me been an ongoing initiation; a series of painful, challenging and often joyful and energised adventures. My own growth into my sovereignty, learning and developing my leadership, has been fully informed and influenced by my work within the Mankind Project.

I stepped onto the Primary Integration Training (PIT) leader track eight years ago, worked intensely on it for three and stepped back till earlier this year. I took that step back to test the mettle my leadership in the crucible fire of my work in the wider world. I was recently Hot Seated for full PIT leader. As a result of a simple shortfall in actual PITs led, I got a "not yet". A decision I respected. I'm ready when I’m ready. What I've learnt over the thirteen years since joining this extraordinary community is patience. Everything unfolds in its own time not mine. I just need to keep showing up – which I do.

I can see many years of work ahead to bring W2F to where I believe it belongs in our community and in the world. I may be a lot older before this comes real, but I'm on my journey and in my groove. I'm offering young men what I didn't have as a teenager: a place for them to come and be with safe authentic, initiated men; to be fiercely and lovingly held, challenged and supported. What we create is a place where young men can learn and grow without having to wait as long as so many of us did. If there are men in the community who want to get involved, support or pledge, contact me.

Caspar W

Mission: By opening my heart and speaking my truth I create an abundant world of healing freedom and love.

The Lodge Keepers' Society

The Lodge Keepers’ Society Dear Men, I have recently returned from a week spent in Bedford, Indiana at the annual Lodge Keepers’ International gathering, where I was our MKP UK & Ireland representative. I found my experiences so moving and inspirational.

My journey started inLondon where I was kindly hosted for the eve before my departure by L. and his family. For me it is such a great opportunity spending time with people like this; being welcomed by families is such a great connection to people and place.

I had a day before and after the gathering because of the dates of my flights. So I spent those two days with another wonderful host family in Indianapolis, Eric W, his wife C, and their two sons. Both have strong family connections to the Cree nation.

From the moment I arrived with them I had a deep feeling in my heart as we talked, and it moves me to tears as I feel it again now. I felt “My God, this is where I am meant to be right now”, confirming for me the call of spirit to attend when I first saw the email asking for a representative to come forward. I was so welcomed by Eric’s family and we had a wonderful cultural and human exchange; it so enhanced my trip.

I took part in a ceremony with Eric and his family led by LM, one of the French-speaking lodge-keepers, who was also staying with us. In this we used the pipe and sang and prayed. Passing the pipe to C (Eric’s elder son of maybe 7 years) was so memorable. He touched it to each of his shoulders, held it as B (Eric’s younger son) touched it, and then passed it on.

I attended four sweats throughout the gathering. These inlcuded a Lakota Lodge with PS, one of the previous French-speaking head men, a sweat done almost entirely in French, and the most powerful and releasing for me.

Another was an Ojibaway lodge, a very healing lodge poured by CM, the LKS Founder. This was a very healing lodge with very beautiful songs, one of which has stayed with me and I often find myself singing it. At the end of this ceremony each of us was refreshed with a cool brew made with various healing herbs. Jars of this were given out for people in need of healing. Packed deep in my bag, wrapped in my sleeping bag, I took one of these for a person who I knew needed healing..

I took part in two pipe ceremonies which is a first for me within the LKS, and a great experience of learning and connection. It reinforced for me the beauty of dedicated ritual, in this case a group of men sharing a pipe with the utmost of respect for each other and the ceremony.

For me working around sweat lodges or participating in one, or taking part in ceremonies such as the Pipe, are times when I really drop into my heart and feel a love connection to Spirit. The men I met at the gathering were inspirational, so many dedicated guys working in spirit.

Most International centres run regular sweats outside of the NWTA, and it seems to be a great way of strengthening, learning and connecting. I would love to be a part of this with the UK LKS and I’m very willing to put my energies into that.

I felt such honour representing the UK at the gathering, and had some requests to staff at other centres throughout the worldwide community which I intend to follow. The learning shared by men in these international meetings was clear.  

My own knowledge about the LKS has grown so much, that I am inspired to step onto the path to become a Purification and Renewal Ceremony Leader (aka Water Pourer). I have received the blessing of the LKS for this and have the honour of now being mentored by Steve Cooper.

With an ever deeply loving heart, opening to Sprit,

 Richard K