The Adventure at The Comb, Northumberland June 2011

Hungry for initiation I have felt a deep, ferocious hunger for that elusive sense of maturity for years now - never having been able to shake the unpleasant feeling that I am still but a boy in the body of a man. And I knew I needed help to get past a masochistic, pervasive undercurrent in life which always made every action feel not quite right, not exactly authentic. In many ways, my life was great - and improving. Yet, my suffering was undeniable. And so I was ready. In the evening of June 4 2011, at The Comb in Northumberland, I finally embarked on my life's first Hero's journey.

It was an intense experience; over in a flash. Yet contained within those brief moments was a journey through grief into rebirth. That is more than literary symbolism - I was reborn, surrounded by initiated men, losing my masochistic beliefs on the way. It was a surreal, yet deeply impacting experience - and one I had not prepared for. All the visions of a hero's journey that I’ve entertained myself with, looked very different to mine.

As the facilitators circled us on the last day - bidding us farewell in silence - I felt my heart so strongly. Rare are the moments in life when I have felt so alive. Tears flowed down my face. I stood there an initiated man - having been through a ritual for which my entire soul had hungered for years. The look on the faces of these men - each featuring a unique mixture of love and acceptance - confirmed that I had indeed received what I longed for. Some missing part of me was starting to pour back in. I was happy.

Journey to The Comb

I run a webpage called Masculinity Movies. It emerged out of my own search for maturity and manhood and running it has brought me much learning and satisfaction. As my exploration of movies, spirituality and psychology deepened, the book King, Warrior, Magician, Lover - Archetypes of the Mature Masculine showed up on my radar. The authors are Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette, men of some familiarity to you, I suspect.

As my understanding of these archetypes grew, I started applying them to my movie reviews - with outstanding results. People loved what they read - and I learned so much.

The Mankind Project was mentioned with increasing frequency and eventually my reviews became featured content on both the Mankind Project's Facebook page and their journal on www.mankindprojectjournal.org It was clear that I had found an organization full of men who shared my thoughts and passions, and I felt excited by the growing possibility of global brotherhood.

I connected with MKP men such as KDC, BH and MG and my participation in the weekend was inevitable. Speaking with BH on Skype one day pretty much cemented it. There was nothing more to think about - I took a leap of faith and I don't regret it.

I was afraid when I knocked on the door and entered the darkness behind it, but boy am I happy that I did!

Back to Normal?

I returned home with a slight concern that the experience would just be a workshop high, my freedom slowly dwindling with every passing day after returning home. But I do feel different. Something has remained. In fact, some hard-to-describe feeling of being a man and not a boy has strengthened and I feel more confident overall. Most importantly, I feel freer to express myself. In fact, my voice has changed. It has opened and become deeper. Several people have commented on it.

I want to write briefly about my shadow, identified on my weekend as I create a more alienated world by being judgmental about others. The number one inner conflict in my life is my desire to connect, combined with the fear of rejection. My need to connect is tremendous. I love going to deep and rich places with people. Yet for many years, my spiritual practice was a solitary affair which served to strengthen this shadow.

Before I move to criticize it, I want to honor my many years of sitting meditation practice and my deep inroads into worlds such as Buddhism, integral theory and tantra. They served me well for many years. Yet, I remained divorced from life itself. So in my feelings of unfulfillment, I learned that I could protect myself from the fear of rejection by condemning people who I might otherwise wish to connect with as unworthy, less spiritual. Absolutely wonderful. Served me well. And I'm so fucking done with it.

The new openness that is unfolding in my life allows me to go deeper with others. The key for me is the ability to share impact combined with a deeper realization of my ability to be self-sufficient in the love department. Now, when someone impacts me in a way I like or don't like, I can simply share my experience of it. It's not a defense, and yet it's the best defense of all. Shared humanity. What a concept!

My relationships have deepened considerably this year, yet the experience of intimacy in the interpersonal spaces of my life has dropped to an even deeper and richer level since the weekend at The Comb. I feel nourished.

The path ahead

In two weeks’ time, I go to Edinburgh for my PIT. I feel inspired to facilitate at a training adventure not too long from now. To experience it from the other angle. To give it. My mission statement involves curiosity and blessing and so, the path is lit.

I have gathered four MKP men and three other good men who live in the Oslo area and our first real gathering is planned for August. I am moving in three weeks, to the first flat I could ever call truly mine, and will be happy to host them there. This is deeply significant for me, contributing to a general feeling of increased groundedness and embodiment. I feel pleased with myself. My heart opens when I write that.

I'm also feeling big openings in my quest for my true mission in the world. So many good things are happening. I feel stronger and more peaceful and I'm even sensing that a woman is going to come into my life again soon. I realize that I have held the belief that if I get to be with a woman, I somehow automatically get the better end of the deal. And having seen it, I realize how bullshit it is. I can now own how lucky the woman who gets to have me will be. We will both be lucky, gifts to each other.

Would these things have happened if I didn't do my NWTA? Hard to say. I think it probably would have eventually considering the intensity of my yearning for ever-increasing maturity and insight. But it's not important. It is what it is and I'm happy with the way I arrived here. I have worn my talisman almost every day since returning.

Eivind S

www.masculinity-movies.com

The Hero's Journey Continues

As editor of this magazine for over two years, a key focus of what I brought to its development was looking at the relationship between the adventure of our lives as men and the mirror we share with the adventure stories we read, saw and heard as children and continue to be drawn to as adults. Stories including Braveheart, The Matrix and the Lord of the Rings all hold a powerful place in activating my imagination and creative spirit. As my understanding of the mirror these stories hold up to me grows, I realise my life is in no small way an adventure, and (boldly) the hero at its centre is me. At the centre of your hero's journey is you. The power of the timeless story structure of the "hero's journey" is not just entertainment but a vital and crucial component in unlocking the mystery of who we are and discovering what the hell it is we are doing here. In 2000 I met with Michael B and began a journey into myth, story and the unfolding truth of my life. This journey continues to this day. When I went through my NWTA in the cold December of 1999 at Sopley, an initiatory fire was lit inside me that roared and raged for the first five years of my time inside this community. Over the last eight years it has mellowed into a flame that burns bright and constant and a little less fierce.

Until my time came in Sopley, I'd felt like a child locked in an adult's body. What I’d been looking for was a rite of passage that would unlock my potential and my route into adulthood. The men I spoke to on that weekend all nodded in recognition of this simple fact: we had all been waiting for this. We had not had it when we needed it most, as teenagers raging against the machine of life with no solid boundaries to hold us. My boundary was found within the walls of the prison I eventually ended up in.

I was magnetically drawn to MB and his work on teenage rites of passage. In the first few years we worked as a small team forming what became the Quest. Men from this community sponsored me to go to America with M to develop the work further with our U.S.brothers. The first Quest weekend was put on at Hazelwood House in Dorset in 2005. When I came home to my then girlfriend and told her the story of that weekend, I wept with relief at having found a path I knew was mine. At that point I was fired up and impatient and wanted to move things forward, fast – too much time had been wasted already. MB had been doing this work for ten years by that time and I was awed by his commitment and time served. It's now thirteen years since I began my own journey in creating a rite of passage for young men and to a great extent I'm just getting into my groove.

During that first weekend at Hazelwood I identified what I believed would work, for me, based on my own life experience. This was about time out in nature, working with a powerful story and encouraging the participants to write about their own life experiences. I moved on from the Quest and developed a programme over the next five years into what became the charity, Write to Freedom (W2F). We work on Dartmoor mainly with young offenders and serving prisoners released on temporary licence.

I'd been looking for a powerful mythic story that would work on the weekends for many years. Stories had come and gone with limited success. Earlier this year I woke up in the middle of the night being "attacked" by a story that wouldn’t leave me alone. I gave up trying to get back to sleep and wrote it down. Magically it has now become a central part of the W2F weekends. I'm now focusing on publishing it so it can reach as wide an audience as possible. The story I'd been looking for had been inside me the whole time. It came to the surface of my consciousness when I was ready to tell it and make it a part of the work.

The journey through the development of the Quest (which went on to become abandofbrothers – see www.abandofbrothers.org.uk for more details) to the creation of W2F has for me been an ongoing initiation; a series of painful, challenging and often joyful and energised adventures. My own growth into my sovereignty, learning and developing my leadership, has been fully informed and influenced by my work within the Mankind Project.

I stepped onto the Primary Integration Training (PIT) leader track eight years ago, worked intensely on it for three and stepped back till earlier this year. I took that step back to test the mettle my leadership in the crucible fire of my work in the wider world. I was recently Hot Seated for full PIT leader. As a result of a simple shortfall in actual PITs led, I got a "not yet". A decision I respected. I'm ready when I’m ready. What I've learnt over the thirteen years since joining this extraordinary community is patience. Everything unfolds in its own time not mine. I just need to keep showing up – which I do.

I can see many years of work ahead to bring W2F to where I believe it belongs in our community and in the world. I may be a lot older before this comes real, but I'm on my journey and in my groove. I'm offering young men what I didn't have as a teenager: a place for them to come and be with safe authentic, initiated men; to be fiercely and lovingly held, challenged and supported. What we create is a place where young men can learn and grow without having to wait as long as so many of us did. If there are men in the community who want to get involved, support or pledge, contact me.

Caspar W

Mission: By opening my heart and speaking my truth I create an abundant world of healing freedom and love.

The Lodge Keepers' Society

The Lodge Keepers’ Society Dear Men, I have recently returned from a week spent in Bedford, Indiana at the annual Lodge Keepers’ International gathering, where I was our MKP UK & Ireland representative. I found my experiences so moving and inspirational.

My journey started inLondon where I was kindly hosted for the eve before my departure by L. and his family. For me it is such a great opportunity spending time with people like this; being welcomed by families is such a great connection to people and place.

I had a day before and after the gathering because of the dates of my flights. So I spent those two days with another wonderful host family in Indianapolis, Eric W, his wife C, and their two sons. Both have strong family connections to the Cree nation.

From the moment I arrived with them I had a deep feeling in my heart as we talked, and it moves me to tears as I feel it again now. I felt “My God, this is where I am meant to be right now”, confirming for me the call of spirit to attend when I first saw the email asking for a representative to come forward. I was so welcomed by Eric’s family and we had a wonderful cultural and human exchange; it so enhanced my trip.

I took part in a ceremony with Eric and his family led by LM, one of the French-speaking lodge-keepers, who was also staying with us. In this we used the pipe and sang and prayed. Passing the pipe to C (Eric’s elder son of maybe 7 years) was so memorable. He touched it to each of his shoulders, held it as B (Eric’s younger son) touched it, and then passed it on.

I attended four sweats throughout the gathering. These inlcuded a Lakota Lodge with PS, one of the previous French-speaking head men, a sweat done almost entirely in French, and the most powerful and releasing for me.

Another was an Ojibaway lodge, a very healing lodge poured by CM, the LKS Founder. This was a very healing lodge with very beautiful songs, one of which has stayed with me and I often find myself singing it. At the end of this ceremony each of us was refreshed with a cool brew made with various healing herbs. Jars of this were given out for people in need of healing. Packed deep in my bag, wrapped in my sleeping bag, I took one of these for a person who I knew needed healing..

I took part in two pipe ceremonies which is a first for me within the LKS, and a great experience of learning and connection. It reinforced for me the beauty of dedicated ritual, in this case a group of men sharing a pipe with the utmost of respect for each other and the ceremony.

For me working around sweat lodges or participating in one, or taking part in ceremonies such as the Pipe, are times when I really drop into my heart and feel a love connection to Spirit. The men I met at the gathering were inspirational, so many dedicated guys working in spirit.

Most International centres run regular sweats outside of the NWTA, and it seems to be a great way of strengthening, learning and connecting. I would love to be a part of this with the UK LKS and I’m very willing to put my energies into that.

I felt such honour representing the UK at the gathering, and had some requests to staff at other centres throughout the worldwide community which I intend to follow. The learning shared by men in these international meetings was clear.  

My own knowledge about the LKS has grown so much, that I am inspired to step onto the path to become a Purification and Renewal Ceremony Leader (aka Water Pourer). I have received the blessing of the LKS for this and have the honour of now being mentored by Steve Cooper.

With an ever deeply loving heart, opening to Sprit,

 Richard K

Meet the men of the community – Matt G

I heard about the ManKind Project from a fellow brother who knew I was in a rut and feeling unfulfilled. He rang me up and said: “I’ve just been on this fantastic weekend where I learnt a lot about myself….I think it might be good for you …. take a look at their website… if you think it’s right for you at this time…register!” After looking at the website and having a think for a week or so, I signed up. And I have to say when I received the registration paperwork I thought “What have I let myself in for!” But I put that doubt behind me and looked forward to the weekend with an open mind.

When the weekend arrived I was getting apprehensive about what to expect. The paperwork hadn’t made it very clear (though now I understand why). Another man going on the training collected me and he too didn’t know what to expect, so between us we had lots to talk about on the way.

Now, three years after my training, I can honestly say I’m so glad I didn’t chicken out because it has had a major impact on my life.

I have a disability which stops me getting around and doing every day tasks as able-bodied people do. I hadn’t had a full time paid job until the year following my training (I’m now 34). The training gave me the determination to go “out there” and fight to get myself a job.

After many job applications I now work for my local council, mainly as admin for the community occupational therapy service. I am responsible for ordering and monitoring installations and modifications specified by occupational therapists to benefit people in their own homes and help them maintain their independence. I also monitor the users’ satisfaction levels and the council’s performance indicators, all of which I enjoy immensely.

The training also gave me the ability to appreciate my friends and family. I am able to put my point across to the people I love and care for the most and still listen to their point of view without losing my temper, which in the past I was very prone to do. I have learned how to appreciate life and encourage others to do the same.

I find myself putting things I learnt on the training into practice and tackling difficult people and situations without getting flustered.

So thank you “ManKind” for your help in realising my own potential!

Matt G

Dark Waters - Deep Diving Into Soul

Eighteen, working in the bush with a bunch of guys. Wild and carefree, full of crazy and adventurous energy, we worked hard and we played hard. Late one evening, following a trip to the local bar, on our way back to camp, someone suggested a swim - skinny-dipping, that would be. It was the height of summer in the interior of British Columbia, and so, despite the lateness of the hour, everyone agreed that this was a truly excellent and fine idea.

Adjacent to this town was a small lake and on it a small resort with a beach and a pier. And so, as quietly as a bunch of fairly drunken young guys could be (i.e., not very), we snuck through the resort grounds and ran (stumbled) down to the beach.

I, along with the others, dropped my clothes as I ran and then, stark naked, plunged headfirst off the end of the dock into the black and murky waters.

Believing that I had made a relatively shallow dive, I was quite sure I would return to the surface almost immediately. This proved not to be the case however, and I found myself swimming upwards, and upwards, and yet upwards, and still upwards...

Some moments passed - I really have no idea how long - and then, very quickly, panic began to set in. I was taken by an overwhelmingly frightful thought: what if I was swimming in the wrong direction? What if I was swimming downwards, instead of upwards - or even horizontally? In the total blackness of the night I had no sense of up, nor down - or any other direction. I realized that if I kept swimming I could be taking myself ever downwards to ever-darker and colder waters and ultimately, quite possibly to my death.

Then….somehow….into my cloudy mind drifted the thought that was to be my salvation: STOP! Stop swimming,  stop trying, stop everything. Just STOP! My own buoyancy, my own lightness, would carry me back to the surface and life-giving air. My lungs were now already desperate for breath and I knew that, especially if I had been swimming downwards, it could take some time for me to drift back to the surface.

But I forced myself to be still, stopped the desperate and frantic clawing at the water and, after a very long time, I did eventually break out once again into the cool night and inhaled the most beautiful lungful of air I have ever tasted.

Years later I came to look back on this experience with new eyes. What a beautiful and almost perfect metaphor for those dark nights of the soul in my life. To the extent that I thrash around desperately trying to find my way out of the dark waters, there is a good chance I will remain there. I might even die. To the extent that I allow myself to be carried gently by and through such waters, I just might eventually re-surface - somehow reborn, transformed.

Brad N 

Meet the men of the community – Mark J

I went through the Adventure at Sopley in 2001. In 1993 I had been ordained an Anglican priest.  But believe me - Sopley was a more powerful experience. The weekend was like standing under an ice-cold shower then being wrapped in a warm blanket. I was truly exposed for the first time. I was a gay man amongst many straight men and this scared me. I had never been shy about my sexuality; after all I had always known I was gay, but before this time I had been comfortably contained within a gay social network. I was actually estranged from other men. It was as if straight men were a different species, and a slightly menacing one at that.

Sopley also freed me from a religious world view. It was the antithesis of theDamascusroad experience and from the Saturday night I no longer believed in a traditional god. Coming from a very religious, anti-gay heritage, and believing in a god who would ultimately punish me for being me, this was a life changing moment, a rebirth.

I realised I was just a man among other men and we all had our stories. I had been just as blind to other men as I thought they had been to me. Now, from a place of pain and exposure, we could grow new skins with new sensitivities.

Within one year I had left the Church, which I had both loved and loathed, and was working with refugees. I then took a Masters degree and a PGCE, and became a teacher. I am now head of the psychology department in a lovely school where I teach full time.

The last ten years have been a journey. I have not been active in MKP. I believe that you can only be initiated once and then the hero’s journey continues elsewhere. But I have worked and meditated and laughed and built fires with many initiated men in various men’s groups since then.

Last year at 50 I took the final step and wore to school a small badge on my lapel which said GAY ICON. This was a scary moment. But I decided that if I didn’t say who I was, how could I ever expect anyone else to do so? 

All went well. The students thought it was mildly interesting for about ten minutes, which was the ideal response, the head-teacher shook my hand and said “Well done”, and so we all moved on.

Sopley came at the right time for me. It kicked me out of my comfort zone and gave me a starter kit to help re-engage with the world I had left. That’s what initiations should be about; they are liminal events, and once I had crossed that threshold I could never go back. The future lay ahead with all its uncertainties, but I realised after the dance that I was no longer alone.

Mark J

The Adventure - I fell into the arms of men

This weekend I fell into the arms of men.I fell into trust of man. I fell into myself.

I opened my eyes and saw the shining sky. I looked out and saw my brothers’ eyes. I looked out and saw the familiar face of the complete stranger who is me.

And for the first time felt love for him. Is this compassion, then? I saw greatness and beauty in other men: in their fierce nakedness, in their innocent strength, in eyes that have seen what I will never see... in ways I will never fathom. Eyes so different from me; eyes that lovingly behold me; eyes of another man, and another, and another... Just ordinary men: as vulnerable and mortal and wildly beautiful as each other.

I am a Wild Salmon, Journeying Home. Towards a new mortality. A new death. I am going, to die. I have already died and will die again and again. Let it always be a good death: Clean, Sheer, Complete. So I can be free to live with power and authenticity.

I left for this weekend with not a single hero, and returned with 80. Plus one. I’ve never believed in anything, least of all me - Life is full of surprises.... And the journey Continues.

Matthew H

Women: How might your life be different?

A Piece For Women: Some thoughts on the Woman Within training When was the last time you felt like someone really heard you? Heard you without judgement or trying to fix you? Heard you and sat with you in your pain or joy without taking away what you truly feel about yourself - warts and all? How often do you have the time to hear yourself and touch your inner wisdom? What are the stories you tell yourself about the kind of woman you are? Are you loud, quiet, soft, ambitious, strong, caring, frightened, confident - or all of the above? Do you have a niggling sense that you’re stuck, or repeating the same patterns? Perhaps you want more from your relationships. Perhaps you just really want a relationship.

You might feel that there’s more to life, or you have more to offer. What if you could offer it by doing less, and being more? And how would it be if you could see what that was like, in a supportive place where you set the pace?

It’s an incredible thing to realise that all women - no matter where they’re from, how old they are, or what their life experiences have been - go through very similar things to us. And have done since time began. Women are many things at once. We take on roles - daughter, mother, lover, wife, grandmother, worker, and student. We plan, and dream, and look after other people. Some of us have to fight for our position in life, and struggle to be heard.

Every kind of woman does the Woman Within Training Weekend. Something many of us do is look at each other, make judgements about each other, and then make judgements about ourselves in comparison. We have preconceptions about what life is like for other women, and what they’ll think of us. Some of us are perfectionists, and some of us take a conscious decision not to care what anyone else thinks.

Everything is welcome at the Woman Within Training Weekend. Your feeling safe is the most important thing, even though that means something different for everyone. You won’t be asked to do anything that you don’t agree to. It’s an opportunity to leave behind those roles that you play so well, and to listen to who you really are. To learn by listening to other women, without needing to hear the whole story. To be surprised by what you hear when everything is quiet.

If you’re like most women I know, you’ve probably spent some time talking about yourself. To yourself, even. You might have thought a lot about what makes you tick. I know I had when I did the Weekend. What I hadn’t done was stop thinking. I had never stopped trying to explain everything and make sense of it, and feel instead.  I found out that when I let myself feel something rather than thinking about it, I get to the answer that’s right for me much more quickly; or at least something that I can work with.

The Weekend didn’t tell me everything about myself, or the exact direction my life should take, although it did for some. What it gave me, two years ago, was a very strong sense that I would be OK. A solid feeling, right at the heart of me, that I can still access any time I need or want to.

I also learned how to be quiet, both on the outside and the inside. I learned that I can listen without judgement, and in any situation I can choose how I react. I am powerful, in a good way, and I can be powerful without being “too much”, or aggressive. I don’t have to talk my problems away, but I can if I want to, and I will be heard. If I’m frightened of something, I know that I can be my own support, and if I need support, it’s there.

I can’t tell you what happened on my weekend. Partly because I’m very glad no-one told me what was going to happen before I went, and I don’t want to ruin it for you! But mostly because I can’t remember - I don’t remember the words, or thoughts, or what I did, in any detail. What I remember is how it felt, and I still feel it now.

After my weekend in 2009, I joined a circle of women locally. We meet once a month, and it’s my chance to reconnect with what I learned. Life has a habit of getting in the way of being a perfect human being, and I hope it never stops challenging me. The women in my circle listen without judging me, give me their full attention, and ask me what I need from them. I let them see all of me, when I need them to - warts and all.

The next Woman Within Training Weekend is 28-30 October 2011, at Juniper Hall in Dorking.  You can get more information at www.transitionseurope.com. If you would like to talk to someone about the weekend, or have some questions, you’ll find contact details on the site.

Karen M

Masculine empowerment

Being a man amongst men The men had been initiated. I stood, eye to eye, man to man with a "new brother". Then the drum sounded and I moved to the next man. The same vision. Eye to eye, man to man. Some of the new brothers had welled up and were crying. "This is awesome," I thought to myself…then I dropped the thought and returned to presence.

It was the closing ceremony of the March 2011 NWTA in the United Kingdom, and my first staffing with the global men’s organisation called The Mankind Project. I was honouring these men as new brothers at the end of their "New Warrior Adventure Weekend" (NWTA), otherwise called their initiation weekend.

For some of these initiates this might just have been the first time that they had ever felt truly honoured for all that they are by a group of fellow men. And as I did this, I realized that this was a life changing experience for me too. I was being entrusted, along with all the other 39 staff members, to honour and initiate fellow men for everything they are. And in doing so I feel I have received a transmission of masculine empowerment that will serve me, and the communities I engage in, for the rest of my life.

The container

I understood why several brothers over the years since my own initiation weekend had told me that their experience of staffing the weekend was even more powerful than the original weekend itself. Being entrusted to initiate other men having attended nothing more than a single MKP NWTA weekend might make people question the strength and integrity that this "initiation" into manhood holds. However in this organisation I am struck by how fantastically well it works.

This is because the "container" is so strong. In order to staff we must commit to being truly of service, to honour our commitments we make when signing up, to respect and respond responsibly to any emotional charge we have with another staff member so that the flow of respectful heart-full communication remains open, and to hold ourselves accountable if we feel out of integrity for any reason, e.g. if we have not walked our talk.

As staff we must commit to taking full responsibility for our actions, both wholesome and unwholesome, and there are reflective processes readily available and encouraged when we step out of integrity. And what I love is that within this container are the most wonderful heart-warming honouring rituals. These allowed me to truly serve in the knowledge that this service was being valued by my fellow brothers.

Home

As I serve in the world outside the MKP, this feeling of being supported is within me as a consequence of witnessing and being a part of these rituals. I know that things are not always easy for men and it feels damn good to know that I have support.

So, as I looked into these men’s eyes, my life was changing, my ground was forming. It is time for me to do my work, to live my joyful mission, to revel in this warm, heart-full and wonderful community, with joy and satisfaction that I have found my community of brothers.

Just before we stood eye to eye with these men, we staff were lined up and then invited to turn to the man beside us to talk for a minute about what "gold" we had received from the weekend. I was honoured to turn to one of the leaders of the weekend, and without knowing what was going to be spoken, in complete trust that my truth would be delivered, I spoke.

I heard myself speak of my strong sense that I had found a community which exemplifies so many qualities that I value in the world…integrity, service, responsibility, honouring, humour…I told this leader that I was feeling deeply satisfied, truly happy in knowing that I had finally found my community of brothers that I had silently longed for - for a very long time.

Francis E Francis is a healer, life-coach and 5 Rhythms teacher. You can read his blog at returntoinnocence.org.uk

Lost on the way to the City of Joy

Whenever I thought about joy, bliss, ecstasy, call it what you will, the image I had was of a golden city in the distance; I was always on my way there. I felt as if joy was something missing from my life. I believed everyone else apart from me was, if not full of joy, then at least happy. Was it me, and if so, what was I missing, or not doing right? Whenever I was at the top of a hill on my journey I was filled with hope and joy because the goal didn’t seem far away. When I hit rock bottom, at first I’d be lost in the shadows; then as my journey continued I’d be sustained by the hope that I had a destination in sight and mind.

But as I’ve continued on my journey, I’ve come to realise that I was so focused on my destination that I’d forgotten about my reasons for making the journey in the first place - and I’d also forgotten myself, the traveller. I never asked myself what was so important about joy, who I was, and how I would be different once I reached the city of joy. I’d always thought that everything would be good, full of bliss, joyful once I reached my destination. But in reality, what would have changed and how would reaching the city of joy change me? Would I be more joyful or living in constant ecstasy?

Looking back I can see the paths I’ve followed. Along the paths are both mementos to mark my passing, scattered objects that at the time I “had to have” because they would make me a happier man, complete me, or give me joy, and also battlegrounds where I’d overcome my personal adversaries.

Looking forward I can see my destination. I am part way between what was and what will be; I realise that another question for me is “What am I travelling to and why?” For possibly the first time I look at myself and realise that just by undertaking my journey I have changed - and I am, in some ways, closer to joy. I’d started my journey wanting to be different, improved, a better man, happier - and I’d believed that entry to the city of joy would give me these things. Once again, focusing on something outside me to get joy, happiness, bliss.

Now I’ve come to see that I have changed, and some of the things I’d set off in search of I now have, while others - like the city of joy - are getting closer. Looking at myself I can see both the shadows that I’ve carried and the light reflected from the city shining on my face. Perhaps it isn’t as far as I thought…. and maybe I am stronger than I thought; ready to walk another day, ready to do battle with another adversary until I turn a corner and realise that the city of joy has been there all along, while I just wasn’t ready to enter its gates. A happy man at home in the city of joy!

On the path to the oasis of joy

There are many mirages on the path to the oasis of joy,

solid and strong until you lean upon them

There are many mirages on the path to the oasis of joy,

cool and comforting until you reach for them

There are many mirages on the path to the oasis of joy,

loving and nurturing until you embrace them

There are many mirages on the path to the oasis of joy,

seductive and entrancing until you name them

There are many mirages on the path to the oasis of joy,

Real and true until you fix your sight on the true goal.

Shaky S

www.poetwarrior.org.uk