The “My Story” series invites men within the MKP UK & Ireland Community to share their story
“I learned that I’m so much like any other man. There’s a bit of me in every other man, and a bit of them in me. That sense of being lost, of being rejected or worthless, our lack of love and affection, our sense of failure and incompetence. I have so many things in common with them, and it helped me not feel so much pity for myself anymore.”
Forty years ago on the outskirts of Sao Paulo, Brazil, Eber Guerrero sprung forth into the world. The father of that baby abandoned the family soon after, leaving Eber to be raised by his widower grandmother, as his mother worked to make ends meet and support the family.
That child’s journey into manhood was fraught with difficulties, flitting from one place, school and job to the next, before flying out of Brazil and to London to find his feet… and back to his homeland once more to find the man he would call ‘father.’
Following a life filled with adventure, entrepreneurship, hardships and hope, Eber found himself joining the New Warrior Training Adventure in March of 2019. It’s a story I barely got to scratch the surface of, but one absolutely worth telling, and one I can’t wait to share.
Where had life led you up until you sought out MKP?
After my father left us, my mother worked hard to provide for us whilst my grandmother raised me. My mother met another man when I was six, and she moved in with him, and I continued to live with my grandmother.
I moved to my mother’s two years later, after she and her boyfriend left Suzano to live in Franca – a city five hours away by car. It was only a couple of months after that I returned to my grandmother’s because I didn’t feel welcome by my mother’s partner, who had drinking problems, was very aggressive and abusive.
Four years later, at the age of twelve, I moved back to my mother’s to be closer to her. The experience was unpleasant, as her boyfriend forced me to call him ‘dad’, his mother ‘grandmother’ and name his brothers and sisters as my uncles and aunties.
I wanted to be a swimmer and live in America, but was forced to work in a supermarket by my mother and now stepfather. He was a locksmith, and three years later when I turned fifteen, I became interested in his profession and went to work for him.
At seventeen, I opened my own shop with my savings, and some money my mother and stepfather gave me. I ran it for five years, whilst I went to university to study import and export business management, and took English and Spanish classes.
I sold the business at 22 so I could get work experience in the import and export industry. After some disappointing attempts due to pay and lack of opportunities in my town, I decided it was time to move abroad.
So, in May 2004 and at the age of 23 I arrived in England. My goal was to stay for two years, study English, work to help pay the bills and go back to Brazil to find a better job in the capital. I did what I had to so I could survive and keep studying.
Later, I found a job in a high class fine dining restaurant and built a career from runner to assistant restaurant manager. I returned to Brazil in April 2007 when my visa expired, and although it was great to see my family and old friends, it wasn’t easy as I felt disconnected and wanted to return to the UK.
I later found a job in a banking division for consumer loans in the automotive market, and it was there that one of the most interesting episodes of my life was about to happen.
I always wanted to know who my dad was… who was he? What did he do? What did he look like?
And why did he abandon me?
I managed to find him through one of my clients, who I became acquainted with. She was a lawyer with very good connections through the country, and she was touched by my story, and wanted to help me find him.
I finally met Claudio in 2008 – and strange and special experience at the age of 28. We became very good friends and wanted to help each other. He was poor, unemployed and living in one of the favelas of Sao Paulo. I had mixed feelings about leaving my home country, my family and friends once again to go back to the UK.
With the little money I had plus some money I borrowed, I went to Italy with my father, who had Italian citizenship and had previously lived there for 10 years.
I thought we would have some good years living together, and create some amazing stories to tell… but he returned to Brazil after three months, so I returned to the UK.
His life improved exponentially in every way, his brother told me. He found a job, left the favela to a modest but good house in a safer borough, went to the gym and looked after himself. But after an accident in June 2018, he passed away. I am still grieving to these days.
After returning to England in May 2009, I got a job as a financial analyst to help a venture capitalist in his private business investments. Thanks to that opportunity, I managed to buy my own property in 2012, go back to studying and do a masters’ degree in finance and business management, and then to start my own business in 2015.
I invested all the cash I had, plus money I borrowed to set up a company to distribute a Brazlian footwear brand to the UK> But the investment didn’t turn out well, and I had to close the business in 2017, bearing a massive loss of capital and indebtedness I’m still recovering from.
I felt lost, missing my self-confidence and without a sense of direction and purpose. I was feeling afraid… afraid to fail, that I would be unable to find success, that I wouldn’t be able to provide for myself or my girlfriend (who is now my fiancé) or for a future family, that I would love to have.
How were you introduced to MKP?
By Waqar Siraj at the School of Philosophy and Economic Science in central London.
I met him at the School of Philosophy. The first time I ever met Waqar, he was a tutor at the Philosophy School. We were having classes and discussing quite a few topics and there was one day he turned to me and said, “Look man, you are a fucking warrior.” And I said, “what are you talking about?” “You are a warrior man. You don’t know that, but you are.”
And I said, “explain it to me, then.” “were you born fatherless?” And I said, “yes, I was… how do you know that?” “I can tell in your eyes, there’s just something that’s coming to me and I just felt that. I can see in your posture, the way you talk, and I’d like to talk more with you, because I’ve got something for you.”
So by having that discussion, he presented MKP to me, and then we had this telephone conversation about what MKP can offer, he discussed a little with me his own experience as well without going into too much detail. I became quite interested, read a couple of things online and decided to join.
How was the Adventure for you?
A moment of truth, of connection with myself and others, of oneness, courage and trust in each other.
Was there anything that made you nervous, sent up some red flags about joining? There are a few things online from people that don’t quite ‘get’ what the experience is about that might send men running.
No. Not at all. The only fear I had was in terms of physical aggression. Like fights, I thought all these things about becoming a man, understanding what a man is, but I decided to join anyway. But that was the only fear I had; about violence, about having to fight with one another to prove yourself as a man, haha!
Which kind of says quite a lot about the script some men feel like they have to follow, right?
Yeah.
What was the significance of the weekend for you?
I learned that I’m so much like any other man. There’s a bit of me in every other man, and a bit of them in me. Such as our feelings, passages, and the stories of our loves. That sense of being lost, of being rejected or worthless, our lack of love and affection, our sense of failure and incompetence. I have so many things in common with them, and it helped me not feel so much pity for myself anymore.
What did you take away?
I’m humbler and I have more respect for others, their suffering and achievements, for the good they do on this planet, like helping others, such as the MKP men who staff the weekends.
What has been your involvement with MKP following the NWTA weekend and how has that impacted your life as a man?
I did the weekend intensive PIT in Fulham in May, and I joined the Richmond I-group in October 2019. My experience has been one of connection with myself and other men. A continuous process of maturity and understanding who I am and where I stand today in terms of my aspirations, where the decisions I’ve made so far have led me, and how I want to carry on forwards.
You said you hadn’t had any experiences with men’s work or self-development before the weekend, so this was basically your first experience of a workshop, or gathering of men based on growth?
Yeah, the first one ever.
What was that like for you, because coming from Brazil, the culture is very different and men are expected to be very direct, forward, ‘strong’ and have quite a specific view on what it is to be masculine, from what I understand?
Yeah, you ever heard of the term, ‘macho’? I think with South American men, it’s very embedded in the culture. And most men there, they are very macho, they don’t discuss their feelings, they never discuss their relationships with other men, they tend to be very private with their masculinity. Like, I grew up with my stepfather and we never had any discussion about sex, not even with my uncles or etc. So I had to learn everything by myself.
Back home, the culture doesn’t help much, I think. My experience with MKP in England, when I joined those men… initially, I felt a little bit uncomfortable. At times, I felt embarrassed or intimidated. But as I went along with the group, everyone started sharing their stories, and I thought, wow. Being a man isn’t about how loud your voice sounds, how big your cock is, how much you fight. I think being a man is about being brave enough to share your stories and feelings, to trust yourself and others, to take responsibility for your actions.
And then I just felt more relaxed. I don’t think I would feel uncomfortable around men, or doing personal work with them, or further trainings, which I intend to do.
I see you’ve had quite a heavy history with men and father figures, with the macho culture and the absence of a father. How do you think that coloured your perception of men throughout your life? Were you part of that “macho” crowd, or did you distance yourself from it?
The macho culture is definitely a barrier. Because, I think… it makes you refrain from opening yourself up. From crying, sharing your feelings. The macho culture encourages you to say, “I’m a man, I don’t cry, I’m strong and it doesn’t matter what happens. I do not share my feelings.” Especially with other men. I think that’s the main issue with the culture.
But likewise, myself, I’m a little more sensitive than other men and I always tended to share a bit more about my story and feelings than my closest friends. But I wouldn’t say it was enough for me to do what I did during the NWTA weekend. So, I’m happy that I found MKP.
I’m quite blown away by the conditions and obstacles that life has thrown at you. I don’t want to compare myself, but it’s so easy to look at where you came from and think that I’ve had it so easy, and I couldn’t make it through what you have. What gave you the strength and persistence to keep going?
I think I was curious and fearless when I was young. I was curious about the world and wanted to explore it.
When I was seven, me and my cousin bought ice cream to reselling it at the high street so that we could make some money and help the family.
I always had that entrepreneurial spirit and wanted to make something good out of my life. I remember I wanted to be a dentist or a doctor when I was a kid, but the conditions weren’t favourable for me, so that dream just faded away. Then, when I moved to Franca to live with my mother, I wanted to become a professional swimmer, but then my mother and stepfather made me work instead.
So, I had to adapt to the circumstances. I moved school quite a lot when I was a kid. It was very difficult to make friendship. It was even harder after I moved to Franca, because I was constantly bullied by a group of boys who didn’t like me because I was from another city. But I kept calm and patient so I wouldn’t get into trouble with the other boys, and then after a few years I did manage to make some friends which was good.
So I kept going. I finished secondary school, went to university at the same time I was running the business and kept pushing myself, trying to do something meaningful with my life and to be independent because I didn’t want to depend on my mother or my stepfather. I just wanted to be independent.
And the feeling of wanting to live abroad was there, so I took English and Spanish classes too. At 22, I sold the business and lost the money into a terrible investment. I was broke and got really upset. I tried to get a job in an import-export business, but the pay was horrible. One of the options I found was to live the countryside and move to the capital - Sao Paulo.” But I didn’t want to go back there, because I felt unsafe and I didn’t like the city. So, that’s when I thought it would be a good chance to live abroad.
With the last money I had and some financial help from my mother I came to England. My goal was to study English for two years, work part-time to make some money and pay for the expenses and go back to Brazil to find a better job. But things went totally unexpected; I didn’t get the visa to allow me to work part-time, so I had to find ways around that. So I worked for a marble company for two months, made some money and then had to make the decision to either stay in England and do whatever I could to make ends meet, or give up and go back to Brazil. But I didn’t want that. I had already paid for a year course and my goal was to stay for two years, so I decided to stay.
I’ve always thought that I need to keep pushing myself trying different things and looking for quick results. But I think that by pushing myself, the way I did, it never led me to any stability. You know, I’ve always been unstable, financially and as well as in terms of relationships. I had many girlfriends but never managed to settle with one. Professionally, I have been jumping from one profession to another and never settled with one either. I don’t think that has proven to be a good thing, at least not for me yet.
It’s only now that I’ve been with the same partner for the past eight and a half years. She’s my fiancé now and we will get married next year. And jobwise, I’ve been working for an investor for the past ten years. However, there is a gap in these ten years, because that entrepreneurial spirit led me to set up my own business in England as well, which unfortunately I had to close. Then, I went into business consultancy and now I’m back working with him.
I have a feeling that the way I have conducted my life and my decisions were a little irresponsible. I never considered the consequences and tended to think that things or problems were easy to be solved. But now I understand things doesn’t work that way. The business investments that didn’t work and the relationships that I didn’t nurture led me to an increasing feeling of failure and pain, which I still live with them to these days.
I think what keeps me going is the notion that there’s something better and more beautiful awaiting for me, but it depends on me only to get there so, I need to keep going.
It sounds like you’ve had to rely on yourself a lot throughout life. Has it been difficult for you to ask for help from others, or rely on them?
It might not sound like, but I think I’ve been very lucky actually. My mother has been great a woman and a mother. She taught me important values and always provided me with the necessary, sometimes a bit more than that hahaha... I didn’t have much intellectual teaching, because I came from a poor family. I don’t blame them, because they are also victims of their own life conditions and stories.
My current employer has helped me a lot too. I think he’s the father I never had. He’s taught me a lot too, specially about the importance of integrity and the need to help those who need most. He is due to close the business and he doesn’t need to employ anymore, but he’s keeping me in the company until I find another job.
Through life, I always found myself bumping into other people who was prepared to help me and vice-versa. I’m so grateful for that!
You were put to work by your mother and stepfather so young, and your biological father left the family even earlier than that. Did you carry much resentment around because of all of that, or were you always quite objective and understanding about the situation?
I did get upset for not being able to live my dreams when a kid. But I understood the situation and just got along with it. There’s only gratitude in heart for my mother and everything she did for me. Because I understand that everything she did and every decision she made, in her head, it would have been for my best.
I have no resentment for what my father did. There is just a feel of sadness he wasn’t even close when I was growing up. But as he said himself, he was irresponsible, and he didn’t want to be there. So I understand why that happened. Perhaps it was for the best. Who knows what might have happened if he was close at that time?
We’ve talked a lot about low points and difficulties, but what have been some of the higher points for you in your journey?
I think one of the highest points was I met my father was I was twenty-eight. That was epic. It means a lot me, because probably, none of these would be happening, not even this interview. I wouldn’t be able to see who he was, to hold his hands, to hug him and hear his voice and being able to listen to his stories and live great moments with him. I wouldn’t have found one of my best friends as he became.
Second was when I had the courage to propose to my girlfriend. As I said, I never settled with a partner. I think this might be related to my perception about the relationship of my father and stepfather with my mother. As well as a bit of the Brazilian culture – when young you have sex with as many girls as you can with no attachment or compromise. So, proposing to my girlfriend and being with her for over eight years means a lot to me too.
Others involve the acquisition of a property and starting my own business in a foreign country – in this case the UK. And of course, I can’t deny it but the MKP is now part of my life and means a lot to me.
I do know a lot of men who make having sex with as many women as possible the forefront of their lives. They get involved in stuff like the ‘pick up artist’ community and the like. What do you think pushes men towards that lifestyle, and do you honestly believe that can make a man truly happy, as opposed to being with one person and developing intimacy with them?
That’s a very good question, I ask that myself nowadays. I think it relates to a process of evolution from animal instinct to something bigger and more meaningful - both men and woman (the feeling of need to mate).
Speaking for myself, I love women and I feel attracted to them for certain physical stereotypes. For example, I become interested in their beauty and sexiness and then, there is a strong feeling of seeking pleasure with them by having sex.
Being with many other women for the sack of pleasure and sex was momentarily good, but it didn’t prove to make me better than any other man in our culture. It might have been like a massage for my ego, but it didn’t lead me to settle with one, and I know that I missed the chance to settle with so many great girls that I met. The opportunity came many times and I wasted them.
Have you decided upon a life’s mission?
This is something I’m still discussing with the other men in my I-group. I know what I really want is to create a better world… and now I am dwelling on how I should do that. I think is by being kind to others and helping others whenever I can, however I can. And just trying to create a better world with love and care.
Is that what inspired you to change your diet?
Yes, I think by reducing and not eating animals I’m being kind to nature, to the planet and not supporting corrupted and irresponsible organisations that take advantage of animal and the natural resources as well as of the people that are misinformed.
By living healthier, I’ll be better fit to help others and perhaps inspire others to do the same.
Do you feel different after going plant based?
Yes, I feel stronger, I’m lifting more weights at the gym, physically I’m feeling a lot stronger. My stamina is a lot better and I’m sleeping better, as well. My digestive system has improved a lot, and I’m feeling a lot, lot better. I’m not missing meat that much to be honest.
Do you feel that being part of the Richmond I-group and attending regularly has helped you?
It’s helping me to open myself up more. It’s helping me to understand my emotions and feelings, and to communicate them across. Because I’ve been working from home for several years on my own, the lack of social interaction has let me down, because I don’t get to talk to people very often. So my social skills have been compromised, you know?
Yes, I also work from home and go through bouts of spending a lot of time indoors and alone, so when I go back into social situations, I feel like an alien wearing a human skin suit or something.
Yeah, I get that feeling too, like I don’t want to participate now or I’m going to talk shit, and people are going to laugh at me. So the I-group is definitely helping me to engage more with other men, other people… and to express myself better, my ideas, my thoughts. And I think it’s helping me with the preparation for job interviews too. Because, I’m quite scared to go back into interviews and explain what I did in the past, my working experiences… it’s helping with that.
You said you’re into self-development books, as am I, and I’m sure a lot of men who will be reading this! Have any stood out for you?
Yes, one from David Deida, “The Way of the Superior Man.” Another one from Stephen Covey, “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.” And there are others that I’m reading in Portuguese, that’s about getting to know your ego, and how to manage it.
Do you have any favourite quotes, or mottos for life?
I remember a passage from “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People”. It’s from Aristotle; “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.” In other words, if you want to become excellent in something, you must do it repeatedly. It’s like a pilot or a formula 1 driver. They didn’t know how to fly or drive, but with practice and by doing it repeatedly they became so good at it.
Right. And I think the willingness to fail and keep going is a big part of that, and you’re a really amazing example of that. I know that I’ve had a knack for getting knocked down a few times and not had the strength to get up, or struggling to not be a victim. A big part of my MKP experience is seeing all kinds of men is seeing all kinds of men, from all walks of life and seeing that they’re not so different to me.
Yeah.
Especially men I would put on a pedestal, think they’re better than me and they have it all. Big men, good looking men, wealthy men and the like… and seeing that they don’t have it ‘all’ and figured out, and we have more in common than I thought, we just have a habit of hiding it and pretending everything is okay. You’ve risen up through a hell of a lot to find light at the end of the tunnel, if you had any advice for men still looking for it and taking life’s punches, what would it be?
I don’t think I’m in a position to give men any advice to get out of their troubles. I only have the advice to keep hope. I think in every situation that you’re struggling with, you need to keep that light of hope, somehow. And if something is bad, avoid making it worse! I think that’s one of the things that I would suggest. Don’t involve yourself with more trouble. Try to get involved with the right people, make good connections, share your story with someone you trust… and help might come, one way or another. I think that’s what I would say.
But, you know, I am not in that situation where I can say, “guys, I’ve been through shit, I’ve been beat down the hill, and now I can tell you how I did it and what you should do, now.”
Yes. Not to make you sound like a perfect man who has overcome all and knows everything, but you it sounds like you do have a ton of resilience, persistence and even without that advice, people will read your story and be inspired by it. It’s made me realise how unhelpful the amount of resentment and tendency to blame in my own life is.
I see your point, because I remember some men, they would be very upset over something I wouldn’t be upset over. For example, some men might feel very resentful over their parents not allowing them to follow their dreams. When I wanted to be a swimmer, my mother and stepfather wouldn’t allow me to. I did get upset, but with time I understood their decision and moved on. I can’t go back in time and change what happened.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t keep going back in my thoughts and living in the past. Thinking, “but why did you do this, why did you do that, why didn’t you try harder,” you know? It might sound like a cliché, but it’s water under the bridge and I need to focus on the present, on what I can do better now. I think that’s what I’m trying to do
I’m not proud of some of the things I have done, but I did what I thought I had to do to get by. I can’t deny I wasn’t influenced by others too, and that’s why I keep saying it’s important to “know who you are walking with”. One man told me, “you are the five people who you keep closest.” So make sure you get involved with good people! People who are a good example, and give you inspiration.
